Have you heard of this?
The idea is that you have a daily topic that you blog about, and if you do all 30 days you win nothing.
I guess the idea is to give you something to blog about. Which is weird because I would think that if you had a blog you would have something to blog about. Otherwise, what the fuck are you doing?
If you don’t have anything to say, don’t show me a picture of something you ate today. Because unless it’s penis-shaped and a penis, I’m not interested.
That said, THIS is a web site, not a blog. Note the fact that the URL doesn’t contain something like “.blogspot/blog/pete86499/bloghouse.shit.” Therefore, I will favor you all with a 31-Day challenge IN ONE DAY!
31 Day July Challenge
1. What are your summer highlights so far?
So far the summer has not ended, so it’s kind of tough to come up with one. I was at a restaurant and a girl fell in the kitchen. I didn’t see it, but it looked like she got really hurt. So I guess KNOWING it happened is a highlight of sorts.
2. It’s the Saturday before the 4th. Are you going out of town for the weekend?
No. I’m not 10. Nor do I look after anyone who is 10.
3. What is your favorite summer time snack?
I’m working on that. Normally it’s whiskey, but that’s more of a winter thing. I tried a gin and tonic, but someone told me it was “faggy.” Now, clearly that wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for someone secure in his masculinity. Which I’m not, so it’s back to the drawing board.
4. It’s the 4th of July. How are you celebrating our nation’s independence? If you’re not from the U.S. how does your country celebrate their patriotism?
That’s really two questions. or the first, stealing cigarettes and throwing them in a lake. Cigarettes are today’s tea, and if we don’t have a cigarette/lake party soon, it’s all over.
For the second, it seems that most countries outside the U.S. celebrate their patriotism by denouncing the U.S.’s patriotism and firing old Russian guns wildly into the air.
5. Did your plans change last minute last night? Describe your evening.
It was really something else, I tell you. I planned to take a bath because I felt too tired and sad to stand in the shower. But then I just didn’t clean myself at all.
6. What is your favorite summer time activity?
Wobbling around town on a motorcycle really helps me not relax at all and stay sharp for the winter. There is a real zen to being a bad rider.
7. How do you dress for the summer time?
I’m going to assume that this means “undress,” in which case the answer is every time I do laundry and debate whether it’s okay to put stuff in the dryer in boxer shorts and a v-neck tie-dyed shirt.
8. How often do you go swimming?
Every time I feel like hearing what new insults related to paleness have developed. Currently, being called “PALAEolithic” is the frontrunner.
9. What is your ideal summer destination?
Wherever they have a time machine that gets me the fuck out of summer. Nazi Germany?
10. Describe your perfect summer day.
I wake up, discover it is 9 PM, go back to sleep immediately.
11. What 10 songs do you have to have on your summer playlist?
Again, this is really more like 10 questions.
Okay, according to my calculations, a picture is worth a thousand words. A video must be worth a million, then. So one video is worth about 40 billion songs. Here you go:
12. Describer your perfect summer evening.
I’m considering it a Win that we got to question 13 without masturbation entering into the answers here. That’s a good run, a damn good run.
13. Do you have any summer traditions? If so, what are they?
It’s kind of stupid, sort of a traditional family thing, but nothing says summer to me like finding a small child at an outdoor festival and breaking every bone is his or her body.
14. Do you have any summer goals? If so, how are they coming along?
My main goal in summer is to try and not run my life into the ground. I would say that is going medium.
15. If you could do one thing everyday of summer, what would it be?
It would be to stop people from using the word “everyday” when they mean every day. People, “everyday” is an adjective. It means regular. “Every day” means “each day.” If I could make that knowledge an everyday thing, and could enforce that rule every day, I would be happier. Actually, I take that back. The same amount of happy, but with a few less minutes to kill.
16. How often do you pull all nighters? What do you do during these sleepless nights?
Are there people answering that question in non-booze-related ways? Because I can’t imagine how or why you would unless you were drunk, or at least drinking. There’s no such thing as the SAT: Summer Edition for Grown-Ups, so I think it will be booze-related, thanks.
17. Do you have a summer reading list? How far along are you on it?
Uh, that shit’s for fuckin’ nerds, fuckin’ dorks, and I’m about half way.
18. Summer time is a popular time for movies to come out. Have you seen any of them at midnight?
I made my girlfriend extremely upset by not doing that. Does that count for anything?
19. Have you gone to any concerts or shows this summer?
Summer is definitely the season for involuntary concert-going. Every time you go to a park or some shitty downtown, a band arrives, sets up horrible speakers, and plays for people that have nothing better to do than sit on grass and hear songs they never wanted to hear.
20. Who do you spend all of your time with?
I think Mark Twain said something about a man who spends his time with god never really being alone. It’s not an exact quote. He may have used the N word in there somewhere. He really loved that N word, I’ll tell you what.
21. How much time do you spend with your family?
Finally, things get sexy.
22. Have you met anybody famous?
This summer? Does Colonel Sanders count and does seeing him every day strewn about my apartment count as “met?”
23. What time do you usually wake up?
That depends. Is waking up to the sound of a science-fiction sounding bird every day a usual thing? Because that motherfucker is waking me up every day, and its become an everyday annoyance (just driving the everyday point home here).
24. How often do you meet new people?
One meets a surprising number of people when one spend the usual morning stalking one’s apartment parking lot with a handgun and a handful of birdseed.
25. Do you have a job? If so, how is working during summer going for you?
On the plus, my work is pretty much fully enclosed, so it’s not too hot. On the minus, it’s not so fully enclosed that my soul didn’t escape from my body.
26. What’s your favorite lazy day activity?
This is the worst question yet. How is it a lazy day if you have an activity? Also, I don’t do “activities.” I’m not 12 and at summer camp. I’m not swinging on some shitty tire over a creek. I’m not diving after bright orange sticks in a pool. And I’m not sleeping on a bunk bed…that is actually constructed in bunk bed form.
27. Are you taking summer classes? How are they?
That’s a horrible thing to say. Would you just go up to someone and say, “Have any of your parents died yet? How is that going?”
28. Are you a fan of summer storms?
Oh my yes. Weather is a big part of my life. It is something that is of interest to me because I have absolutely zero control over it and a complete disregard for its effects.
29. Have you had any summer romances yet?
I have a great idea to make this work. How come nobody has made a modern-day Cyrano movie where some guy pretends to be some other guy online? An ugmo pretends to be hot. And then we learn that the girl fell in love with the personality, not the appearance. Sure, she was crushingly disappointed, and more often than not she fantasizes about other men, other women, and sometimes even doing things besides sex during sex, but other than that everything is totally rad.
30. What are some of your July highlights?
Crap.
Well, I watched disc three of season one of Psych. I was worried that I wouldn’t follow it. But it turns out, it’s stupid, so everything worked out.
31. Overall, how was July?
Overall, hands-down the best July on record.