Having a Flagpole in the Front Yard
If you see a flagpole in a yard, guarantee an old man lives there. Every time. What is it about being old that it all of a sudden seems cool to have your very own flagpole? That fantasy should begin and end along with your career in the Cub Scouts. So unless you’re aim is to attract Cub Scouts to your yard for pedophilia purposes, probably get rid of the flagpole.
Mowing the Lawn
Old guys love mowing the lawn. They do. And not only do they love walking around behind a go-cart motor for a half hour, they feel that there is a right and wrong way to do it. There are patterns to be followed, whether it be a checkerboard or a slightly slanted line, there is a correct way to mow beyond taking grass and making it less long. This is a fundamental misunderstanding. Mowing the lawn is like vacuuming: the lines don’t matter, it’s the seeing the lines that matters. Those weird vacuum triangles that say, This is a vacuumed floor. Same deal with grass. In fact, I would like to sell a carpet pattern with vacuum lines built in. That way it always looks like you just vacuumed.
Washing a Car
This is such an insane habit. Are people washing things that spend all of their time outside that I’m not aware of? Are people soaping and rinsing the sides of their houses? What about a front door? When is the last time you gave the mailbox a nice scrub? What’s extra ironic is the fact that old guys all clean the outside of their cars, meanwhile the inside smells like a cherry cigarillo that was put out on a foot.
Asking People if They Saw Something in the Paper
No, we didn’t. And we never will.