Dear Lisa Loeb,
First of all, I’d like to apologize for not applying to be on your dating show in 2006 when it aired. Nobody told me about it. But I know that blaming others for my problems is not an attractive method of dealing with things, so let’s move on.
I would officially like to apply to be on your dating show, filmed today and then spliced into the original footage before it is released on DVD.
Here are some reasons why I think things would work out great between us:
1. I end up singing the song “Stay (I Missed You)” about once a week for a week straight. That’s my way of saying “always and with passion.”
2. I am a fan of your choices in eyewear, and Rivers Cuomo and Tina Fey should both be writing you letters of thanks. I spent about half an hour perusing your selection of frames online. I was a little disappointed that it didn’t appear there were any men’s frames, however I think I could pull off the “Snowday” model.
3. I see that you played the voice of Mary Jane Watson on the Spider-Man animated series that had a brief run on MTV. Anyone who has shouted “Spider-Man!?” is someone that has more than one fascinating story.
Here are some qualities that make me an excellent mate, in general:
1. I am pretty good about stalking someone online and learning just enough about them to seem interested, yet not so much that I uncover everything and pretty much play out the entire relationship in my brain.
2. I saw that you started a program to help underprivileged kids go to camp. I’ve been rated by friends and family as a “Passable” camper for ten years running.
3. Do you enjoy baking? I enjoy baking, but I would be willing to purposely mess up my recipes and make products that were always slightly inferior to your own, a secret that I would never tell you and would only be revealed either to our child after you passed away as a very sweet secret, or by you reading my diary after my death, which would make you miss me very much because it reminded you of exactly what I was like when I was alive. Both of these scenarios, if they occur, occur when we are very old.
4. I have lost many, many contests. So whether I lost by my own accord or through the machinations of scripted reality TV, I could make it look very natural. I’ve expressed not winning in a multitude of ways, including light sobbing, heavy sobbing, and moderate sobbing followed by napping.
In closing, I would like to be retroactively considered for splicing in on the DVD version of Number 1 Single. We can both dress in clothes from that time, and if it makes you decide to leave your husband I would feel a little bad but not so bad that it would ruin the rest of our lives together.
Best,
Pete