Because they are coming out with a whole new slew of comic book movies, instead of answering nerd questions one by one in person, I’ll just cover the FAQ.
Q: They’re making a new Spider-Man? Like a prequel?
A: Yes and no. New Spider-Man, not a prequel. They’re telling the same story again, but with different people who look and sound slightly different. If you think about it, the previous Spider-Man is about ten years old, so nobody in the background has an iPhone and Willem Dafoe now has a face. Lots has changed.
Q: Why would they make the same story again?
A: Well, my guess is because for some reason idiots and jerks think we need 40 minutes of origin story up top before anything Spidery happens. Seriously, you can show a dork missing the bus in any movie. I want to see a man with the proportional strength, speed, and agility of a spider punching an octopus man. That’s what I goddamn came for.
Q: What’s the deal with Thor? Is this like the Thor I remember from mythology?
A: Uh, yes. No. Kind of both. They sort of ripped him off from that. But by the time they made the Journey into Mystery comics the character of Thor was public domain. Also, whoever made him up died a thousand years before copyright was a thing. If you’re going to steal, steal old.
Q: So hang on. If there is really a Thor, does that mean there’s no regular god in comics?
A: Uh, no. They both exist. Somehow. God doesn’t really get involved. But there is a devil. And a Mephisto, who is also kind of the devil. And there’s a hell. And a heaven. Because every so often the Fantastic Four has to go there and “rescue” someone from the afterlife.
Q: The fuck?
A: I know.
Q: Okay, so they’re also doing a new series of Fantastic Four movies?
A: Yeah.
Q: And X-Men? Why are they doing those?
A: It’s a complicated answer, but overall I would say it’s due to the fact that there’s such a thing as X-Men 3: X-Men United.
Q: Alright. So they’re redoing all these movies that were already movies. How come they don’t make an old comic show into a movie, like Wonder Woman?
A: Oh, because they ARE remaking Wonder Woman into another TV show. It’s being written by David E. Kelley.
Q: Who the fuck is that?
A: You may remember him from such television hits as Ally McBeal. Or, you may not remember him from such television hits as Ally McBeal because you missed one season of TV in the mid 90’s.
Q: So is Wonder Woman going to be about a female lawyer making it in a man’s world?
A: Oh, gosh no! It’s about a superhero, Wonder Woman, who has a secret identity as Diana, who runs her own company. Also, she will have a SECOND secret identity and pretend to be Diana’s secretary.
Q:…I
A: Okay, stay with me. Wonder Woman. Then we’ve got her secret identity, which is a titan of industry. Then we’ve got her second secret identity, which is the secretary for the first secret identity.
Q: Why?
A: I’m not entirely sure. I guess this gives us a lot of time to really get to know a completely false and made up side of a character that I barely give a shit about. Also, twice the outfits.
Q: What’s up with this Green Lantern movie?
A: A guy finds a space ring that is the most powerful weapon in the universe.
Q: Is it like an atomic bomb or something?
A: No. It’s a ring that lets you make stuff.
Q: Like an atomic bomb?
A: No, more like a giant boxing glove, or a giant arrow with a giant boxing glove on the end.
Q: How come when the Green Lantern guy turns into the Green Lantern he’s all CGI instead of just a guy?
A: Well, I’m sure it’s tough to find a handsome actor with a perfect body and sweet abs. You know, like a Ryan Reynolds type.
Q: Oh. So who is playing Green Lantern?
A: Ryan Reynolds.
Q: I see. Hey, I really liked that movie Black Swan. Was that based on a comic book?
A: No.
Q: Oh.