Age 5:
Sticky, orange popsicle stick.
Note that says: “Hope the fewcherr is great, sucker!”
Age 10:
Mini Lucky Charms box, marshmallow pieces missing.
Several pennies and one piece of Canadian money stuck together by sticky goo.
Note that says: “Please travel back in time and make a snow day happen.”
Age 15:
Secret diary.
Sunglasses from the motion picture Armageddon, which may actually fit in the future.
Note that says, “Please send any new flavors of Pringles and top reasons you did not kill yourself.”
Age 20:
-Bank overdraft statement so that I could have a great laugh about how poor I used to be and how rich I am now.
-IOU for cashed-in savings bonds used to have enough money to buy peanut butter for the week.
-Unmistakable air of sadness.
Age 27:
-Quiet Riot’s Metal Health on vinyl. By the time this is opened, people will have realized what genius is. Was. I don’t know. It’ll be worth shitloads.
-A general apology for what I predict I’ll do in the next couple years. Highlights include continued attempts at dating and the continued purchase of every new kind of Pringle.