Can we talk about something really awful?
So I’m looking at a TV screen the other day and I see a commercial for an animated movie that’s coming out soon. The commercial is a split screen, and on one side you see the movie and on the other side you see the actor who is voicing a cartoon ferret or something. Then it cuts to a fullscreen shot of the actor explaining the motivation behind the ferret, something like, “He’s just an outsider looking for his place in the world, you know?”
NO, I don’t know! I’ve never been an animated ferret going through the trial of trying to coexist with a family of hamsters or some shit like that. Never ever.
Why do they always have to do that? I don’t need to see some asshole doing a voiceover. I don’t want to see an unshaven Tom Hanks on his worst most greasy day talking into a microphone about how we’d better get a move on before an evil Teddy Ruxpin comes after us all. Fuck that. I don’t even want to see the movie, let alone the making of the movie. That’s too fucking much.
And why do they always have to turn it into such a serious thing? Can’t a movie about a roller skate that comes to life just be about a roller skate that comes to life? Throw in a couple jokes about his poor buddy whose owner has smelly feet and we’re set. Nobody wants to hear about how the movie is really about how we all end up saddled with these sort of different partners in life and we have to learn to get along and see those good things. Fuck off.
Do you think there’s some asshole who is making the Happy Meal toys that go along with the movie who hears the interview and thinks, “Wow, I never thought of it that way. I’m really motivated to work hard and not make these toys total shitpiles that don’t do what they’re supposed to do, which is usually something like suction cup to a wall”? Fuck no.
Just quit pretending that you’re doing a real, heartfelt movie when you’re doing a piece of shit. I understand that many actors have lost their way, so here are some hints. If your movie contains any of the following, I recommend keeping the deep conversations to a minimum.
-An animated koala dancing while saying a phrase like, “Oh yeah, get some!”
-A living dinosaur in any form.
-A strong martial arts focus.
-A Man V. Machine theme.
-The tagline, Based on the hit video game.