The other day I heard about the Avatar Fleshlight.
Let’s start over.
A Fleshlight is a flashlight-shaped thing that you use to masturbate your dick.
Avatar is a movie about blue humanoid creatures who taught us about the value of nature, but even more than that, taught us about ourselves, but even more than that, taught us that we could masturbate to anything.
Okay, so the Fleshlight company makes a special Avatar version, which is basically a blue vagina that cares about the earth.
Great.
Take a note from my book. Here are a few Fleshlights we could really use:
Fran Drescher
Maybe not the most sought-after woman, but hear me out.
If you’ve ever had no job, you probably found yourself watching a hell of a lot more daytime TV. If you watched a lot of that, you probably saw more than your fair share of the Nanny, a show that never would have made it if it weren’t for the fact that tight pants are a thing.
So if you’re stuck watching the show, why not have your FleshNanny at hand? I suspect it might cause some trouble with people getting back into the workforce, but no more than Telemundo (just to clarify, that’s a crack about the inordinate amount of spank material on Telemundo, not the whole thing about Mexicans not having jobs. That’s YOUR racism showing through).
That Old Guy From Up
I don’t know. Fuck him.
Any 70 Year-Old Woman
I think we’re all curious what it’s like. It might not be that good, but I think it’s an interesting experiment either way. A glance into the future, to our own old age, or possibly to just a few years from now when a really bad hooker incident results in a kind of knowledge that nobody is prepared for.
Michael Clark Duncan’s Hand Making the OK Sign
There are some experiences that I feel I have no chance at. This is a way to expand my horizons in ways I never thought possible. C’mon, Fleshlight people, do me a favor (of sorts) here.
Not Modeled on Any Vagina In Particular
Part of me suspects that these things are not actually modeled on any sort of anatomy. I wish I had some sort of experience that would help me figure it out, but I just can’t tell. It’s all just darkness and occasional moisture as far as I know.