What’s that sound I hear?
Is it music?
Is it the sound of a convertible sliding under a truck, which decapitates the convertible driver from the lower jaw up, leaving just enough left of him to scream one last time?
Is it a little bit of both?
There is no worse music on earth than Christmas music. No genre encompasses more shitty melodies, obnoxious instruments, and awful lyrics than songs about this time of year.
Examples?
Rudolph:
What a shitty song. I respect a rhyme scheme as much as the next guy, but this fucking thing is doing musical backflips within the first couple lines just to make it work. “You might even say it glows.” Who the fuck talks like that?
Also, what the hell is the lesson that we’re supposed to take away from this? It seems like they’re shooting for an Ugly Duckling thing (which is a completely flawed story, by the way, because we learn that it’s okay to be not hot because you will be super hot later on), but it doesn’t work because they all think Rudolph is an asshole until they desperately need him. And what a pathetic guy he is that he’s so fucking excited just to be wanted once in his whole miserable life.
And Santa, by the way, you work in late December. Pretty good chance of fog, snow and just about any and all forms of precipitation, so I would suggest you invest in some sort of light in the future, you fatso.
Frosty:
Yeah, I don’t think we’re questioning whether there was magic in a hat that brought an inanimate snowman to life. Unless you’ve got a better explanation, for which I’m all ears. I do seem to recall a couple. One time it was Michael Keaton and he just wanted to spend time with his son. The other time it was a serial killer. The lord works in mysterious ways.
Jingle Bells:
This song is so fucking bad that it has seven of the same note in a row at the beginning. Tap on any surface in time to the first seven notes, and you’ve successfully played part of this song.
If any song needs an update, it might be this one. One horse open sleigh? I don’t know what that really is, nor do I understand the significance of one horse versus, I don’t know, forty. And is an open sleigh like a convertible?
Deck the Halls:
Talk about your annoying songs. Fa la la la la. It probably goes without saying, but we should consider updating the “gay apparel” while we’re working on the Jingle Bells rewrite. Because either they were working with a different meaning of the word “gay” or the gay apparel of that time is probably very different from the well-dressed, fashion-forward gay people of today.
Jingle Bell Rock:
This one is just trying to trick you. How is this rock music? There’s a quick guitar riff at the beginning, and then it’s the same bullshit for nine hours. Just because the lyrics weren’t written with a pen made with a turkey feather doesn’t mean it’s a new, rad song.
Silent Night:
Does anyone know the words to this? Runyon virgin? And am I mistaken in thinking the holy infant is “tender and mild?” That sounds like the description of a steak.
Oooo, zombie version of the bible. Someone write that down.
The songs are bad enough, but then you get singers coming out with their own versions of them every year. These albums should be titled things like, “Yes, I am rich, but when you’re rich people expect proportionally better gifts. So what I’m saying is that I need some cash.”
Why do I need to hear Beyonce do a version of a christmas song? Was there some sort of credibility to her songs that I wasn’t aware of that needed wiping out?
All putting out a christmas album does is prove that you don’t give one shit about making actual good music for people to buy.
How do we get tricked into this all the time? There’s like one Halloween song, it sucks. There are a couple songs commandeered by the Fourth of July, many of them a result of misreadings of Springsteen songs. But we just listen to that shit all the time.
And that, my friends, is how you know christmas music is bullshit. Nobody is playing that shit in May. I listen to the goddamn Drive-By Truckers all year, not weather permitting or on certain days of the week.
Finally, can we stop playing these fucking terrible christmas cd’s in the stores? Target, I’m looking at you. You play jack shit all year, then all of a sudden you’re trying to make me think I’m in Dean Martin’s basement, sitting in front of a fire and watching his bored face croon some bullshit while someone performs fellatio on him for too much money.
Great holiday we’ve worked out here.