Let’s talk gifts. When someone gets you a gift, you expect them to say something like, “Merry Christmas,” or, “This is for you.”
But what do you usually hear?
“Wait until you see what I got you.”
which means
“Your gift to me is definitely going to be inferior and borderline unacceptable.”
“I can’t wait for you to open it.”
which means
“I can’t stop telling you I have a thing for you.”
“You’ll never guess what I got you.”
which means
“You won’t ever guess what I got you, but I would like you to make an embarrassing attempt and guess things that are way beyond my price range, therefore making me feel like shit.”
The gifts might very well be the worst part of the holiday.
Oh, and whatever you do, DO NOT get involved in a secret santa ring. That’s going to be one of the worst gift-getting experiences of your life. You start by setting a limit, which is somewhere $20 or below. Guess what? I don’t want anything that costs less than $20 unless it’s $19.99 in cash or somewhere around 17 Wendy’s double-stacks. I have all the shitty candles, crap wooden christmas themed characters holding wooden signs with slogans like, “X-Mas or Bust,” and I have all the pine cone crafts I will ever need (none).
And can we call a truce on the wrapping? Why are we wrapping paper around stuff? Everything comes inside a box and then inside a plastic thing held by zip ties meant to restrain rioters, so I don’t think we need another layer to penetrate. Besides, these companies hire professional graphic designers to come up with the shit on those boxes, so maybe trust their judgment rather than hiding their work.
Oh, and unless you are totally desperate, skip the gift cards. I know they seem nicer than cash, but they’re not. All a giftcard says is, “Hey, I don’t know what the fuck you want, but I’m obligated to get you SOMETHING because I suspect you’re getting me something.”
Finally, if I had to leave everyone with one piece of gift advice this year, it would be to travel to a foreign land. That way you can bring everyone back some total piece of shit, but it’s cool because it’s from somewhere that’s far away, and for all they know you were thinking of them when you bought a huge stack of sombrero salt shakers.