“What a weird and difficult task. Imagine you’re a comic book artist, and someone is all, “Make a comic ABOUT a well-known artist.” How the hell do you manage that?
Well, Barbara Stok does a pretty good job. Without re-creating Van Gogh’s paintings exactly, she definitely evokes his work and his colors while telling a very different story than is told by the paintings themselves.
Ha, did you see that art bullshit I just pulled off there?
Truth be told, I know almost nothing about painting. I don’t really understand painting, I don’t get it. When I go to an art museum, I’m totally worthless because all I can say is, “Oh, I like that” or “Pfft. Sucks.” But I really have no idea what that means, and I’ve always found that to be the most worthless criticism of other forms of art. When I’ve been in writing groups, the goal is to always go beyond saying you like or dislike something. That’s not helpful. It’s just your reaction to something, but what you really need is an understanding of WHY you like something. Is it the sentence? The words? Is it the thing being expressed by the sentence? You have to help me out!
But also…I don’t think art museums are well suited to my kind.
First, I never know how to dress. I never wear shorts because I’m not a child or appearing in a Sir Mix-A-Lot video, but I don’t know if jeans and a t-shirt are cool, or should I be in something fancier.
And then you get inside, and it seems like they try to trick you into paying for some unknown exhibit all the time. “Do you want to go in the special gallery? We have a show of art from [person I’ve never heard of], and this is it’s only stop in North America.”
Well, if it’s exclusive, who cares? Sign me up for that shit. I don’t know a lot about art, but I DO know that you’re supposed to see some shit and then be like, “Did you guys see that? No? Oh, too bad. It was really magnificent.”
Also, why are so many art museums set up as these big rooms with a bench in the middle of the room? Can’t I sit a little closer to a fuckin’ painting? That’s what I came for, the paintings. When you put the bench in the middle of the room, I can’t pretend I’m studying a painting. I have to admit I’m just enjoying a bench more than fine art. Admit my brain AND my body is shitty.
And what’s going on with the museum docents? Seriously. Is the qualification for this job that you can look 100% asleep while standing? Because that’s how it seems to work when I’m there. What’s this dude going to do if I touch a painting? Rush up behind me and break my arm? Is that why he’s sleeping, so he can conserve energy and kick my ass?
Whenever I walk around, I feel like I’m going to end up opening a door and an alarm is going to sound. I can’t tell which way I’m supposed to go and which way is, I don’t know, some kind of freight elevator.
Everyone else there seems to have a lot to say about paintings, but it also seems to kinda be horseshit.
Are art museums designed partially to help art students make friends and/or have sex? Because it seems like you’ll see a group of 4 walking around, and one person is explaining WAY too much about the art, and if my theory is correct, then good for you, artists. You figured it out.
How are the art museum gift shops always great and the art museum cafes always horrible?
Get it together, art museums.”