To prevent chronic injury in lifeguards who spend eight hours a day twirling a whistle on a rope around their finger until it’s all the way wrapped, then reversing and wrapping it around the other way.
Because for some reason you can have disgusting bodies, genitals and all, in the pool, but if you brought in a box of Nerds you would throw off the whole fucking system. So they have adult swim to trick you into buying candy and eating it on the grass. What the fuck kind of logic is that? I’d rather swim in a pool full of wet candy than consider the water threading through people’s ass cheeks.
Because nobody really wants to be anywhere that kids are. In fact, they should incorporate the adult swim policy in other situations. Adult Mall. Adult Airplane. 10 PM, that’s the Adult Showing of a movie.
To see which idiot kids didn’t bring a towel and watch them stand and shiver.
Just in case there’s one fucking guy who needs to get in a serious workout, but only needs three minutes and an entire open pool to himself.
For moms to get in with their sunglasses still on.
To try and bend the rim back into shape on that shitty basketball hoop they always have at the pool.
To make sure you’re walking across the cement as many times as possible, making it wetter and increasing the chances you’ll fall and give some dopey pool manager something to do for the afternoon.
So the staff can scan the sky for the slightest hint of lightning so that they can go home early. Pool workers and roofers love lightning more than they love short shorts and Vaughn hammers, respectively.
That way some lady can walk around in the pool while holding a baby. Look, if you’re too weak to be in the pool at the same time as other people, maybe you should stick to the shallow pool AKA baby pee and diaper runoff collection trough.
Much like Disney putting movies in their “vault,” denying access to the diving board makes it suddenly attractive, even though it’s a plank that goes over water. Essentially the shittiest unfinished bridge of all time.