Something that a lot of teachers do in high school is assign you to write a letter. It’s the first day of high school, and you’re supposed to write a letter to yourself which you open on your last day of high school. That way you can see how much you’ve grown and how much your outlook has changed. Overall, I think you’re supposed to say, “Wow, what a crazy ride. But I made it!”
Well fuck that shit.
If teachers were smart they would invent a way to send mail back in time. But they aren’t smart and that’s why I had to watch a teacher argue with another kid over how long you’re supposed to brush your teeth. This was English class. AP ENGLISH.
But just in case someone grows a fucking brain and figures it out, I’m getting my letter ready ahead of time.
Dear Pete,
Hey man! I hope that you’re enjoying your first day. I know it’s a little intimidating at first, but after a while you’ll learn that okay I hope your teacher only read that first line and now we can talk for real.
This is going to be some pretty shitty shit, so buckle up. We don’t have much time.
Do not go see Dracula 2000 to celebrate your first R-rated movie as an official 17 year-old. I know, you’re not expecting the world, but there is very little violence and NO nudity. NONE. Skip it or risk the disappointment.
Second, you still have a couple years of pre-puberty purgatory to go. There’s nothing you can do about it, however we can try to set you up to be in a good position once the hormones hit. I would recommend, rather than pursuing girls that are hot, pursuing girls who are a little weird-looking right now and then get hot towards the end of high school. These would be Jennifer, Mallory, and Kate. Believe me, once the acne clears up and they start leaving the inhalers at home, you’ll be glad that you put in a few late night study sessions. Also, they may have really nice personalities. I doubt it, but who knows?
If you find that things are really tough, just remember. You can make it through anything, and if you can’t, just join a Hunter’s Safety course and at the end they give you a gun that you are now capable of turning on yourself.
That said, internet pornography hits a level that you can scarcely imagine, so if you do the deed too early you might be missing out on a really great opportunity there.
Eat as much Little Caesar’s as you can because it will disappear into the abyss in a couple years, only to return. But by the time it does, it just won’t be the same.
This is a pretty serious portion here: Don’t try so hard in school. I would say medium-hard, but don’t get crazy. Unless you are really smart, you won’t get shit for college money, so you’re better off enjoying yourself a little now. Things to avoid are anything that involves calculations, calculators, textbooks with really shitty and out-of-date graphic design on the covers, Mr. Ripton, and pretty much anything that happens on the second floor, because if you’re giving that brain a break why not those legs, huh?
If you can start stealing cigarettes and learn to smoke coughing, you can make some friends at the smoker’s corner. They will accept you more quickly and with less restriction than any other group.
If a teacher uses an overhead projector to view transparencies, walk out of the class immediately. I’m from the future. This kind of person has nothing to teach you.
When you get a car, drive the shit out of it because it’s only going to last you a few years anyway. So no harm done.
When your girlfriend asks you to sneak over to her house one night, and then you get in the shower together, it’s awesome. But when she thinks she hears someone on the stairs, turns off the water, and leaves you cowering, shivering and wet in the dark bathroom shower, it is way less awesome. Boners come and boners go, but the fear that a step dad is going to find you nude and shivering stays for a very long time. Just don’t pick up the phone, and if you do, say you have a flat tire. Eight flat tires, if you have to.
Shit, not much time left. Real Quick:
-A water balloon can break a window, don’t test it.
-If you’re not sure if someone is a man or woman, don’t say anything and let the situation play out. Let it play out UNTIL YOU ARE SURE. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING.
-You can take two pretty bad head injuries and one spine compression and be okay. Beyond that, you’re in uncharted waters.
-Microwave rice does not take 17 minutes to microwave, which is why you should set it for the appropriate time and WAIT instead of going to the basement where smoke only finds you 14 minutes later.
Okay, well shithead, good fucking luck. It’s going to blow. OH, one last thing: all those cool kids don’t want you to go on the senior trip. They just get a free trip for every ten kids they convince to go. So when someone asks you, tell them to fuck off.
