“This is a really entertaining book.
I made a bunch of food in the crock pot recently.
I promise this relates back to this book. Just hang on a sec.
Crock Pot food on Pinterest is bullshit. Utter bullshit.
Here are the foods you can make in the Crock Pot. This is a complete and exhaustive list:
*Pulled Pork
*Spaghetti Sauce
*Chili
*Non-noodle, Non-rice Soups
*Queso and other Melty Party Cheeses
That’s it. The rest is garbage and bullshit.
I made:
Chicken, Rice and Broccoli
This dish turned out to be something I’ve started referring to as “Chicken Moosh.” It’s fucking awful. It’s like if you wanted to eat a Powerbar but felt that Powerbars are just too food like and you need something really repulsive yet still technically edible.
Chicken, Potatos, and Green Beans with Rice
Also awful. I followed the recipe very carefully this time, and I got a moosh. A DIFFERENT kind of moosh, but a moosh nonetheless.
And finally, Beef and Broccoli
Now, this seems simple and like you couldn’t fuck it up. And I don’t think I fucked it up. I think I put too much faith in the power of the Crock Pot.
Because here’s what no one tells you about the Crock Pot. Sure, it’s easier than cooking. But it takes like 6 hours, and turns everything from food into a semi-edible goo. This device doesn’t cook for you like some benevolent little robot that lives in your kitchen and has dinner ready when you get home. It just changes the state of matter and makes groceries into a foodpaste of sorts.
Fuck you, Pinterest. Fuck you and your mommy bloggers who have these quick and easy Crock Pot recipes that their families love, which aren’t really Crock Pot recipes by DIRTY LIES set to beautiful, well-lit photos.
If you are a member of one of these families and someone at home is forcing you to eat this shit, contact me. I will refer you to the proper authorities.
So, I now find myself with a freezer full of moosh.
There was a time in my life when I would have thrown all this moosh in the garbage. Because that’s what it is. Garbage. Just because something is edible doesn’t mean it can’t be in the garbage. I throw away unpopped popcorn kernels even though they’re technically edible.
But. I’m trying like hell to pay back a student loan. And so I’ve gritted my teeth, and I’m eating through all the sludge, the slidge, the cridge, I’m eating through all this food so crappy I made up terms for it because dammit, I wanna kill this debt.
It’s like I’m fuckin’ John McClane. I know I can cross that glass barefoot. Just mind over matter.
And while I’m eating this shit, I’ve been reading Mind MGMT. And the story is distracting enough that I mostly forget that I’m eating horrible garbage that will power me through a work day and get me micrometers closer to that distant, distant goal. Mind MGMT has tempered my rage and disappointment, and suppressed my gag reflex just enough.
I thank you, Matt Kindt. And Pinterest? Again, go fuck yourself.”