“This is a pretty good read, a nice look at an industry that I don’t really know anything about. Kind of like Waiter Rant, but you know, for hotels.
There are some really great stories mixed in here. The bellman who can tell the difference between a hundred and a single while blindfolded. Some great Brian Wilson stuff.
As far as learning to get good service in a hotel, I think you could sum most of it up like this: Spend money.
Seriously. If you grease every palm, the doorman, the bellman, the front desk agent, and if you book your hotel direct, pay the extra instead of going through expedia or whatever, you can pretty much get whatever. Any extra shit, any perks, a room upgrade. It’s all about spending cash, and it helps to be a regular guest somewhere too. It’s a little depressing, to sum up an industry as “The more you spend, the more you get.” But I guess that’s pretty much everything.
Tipping is always a weird thing for me. Because I never really know how much to tip. And how do you find out?
Try an experiment. Google how much you should tip a tattoo artist, for instance. You will get answers anywhere from nothing (the price being decided by the artist, therefore the price is the price) to 30% (because hey, it’s permanent art they did a nice job on, and you want to go back to this person) to a straight hundo if it takes over a certain amount of time.
How about a barista? Because some people get pissed about tipping a barista. “I’m just getting black coffee.” Yeah, me too. But the way I see it, if you’re paying $2.25 for a cup of coffee, then you can afford to tip an extra buck. If you can’t afford that tip, you can’t really afford the coffee, right?
What about a pizza guy? More importantly, what about when you carry out pizza? When I worked at a pizza chain, the cooks got tipped once a week. Maybe. So I usually leave a couple bucks because why not?
Or how about a bartender? This seems like the most overtipped person on the block. As a drunk male whose appearance doesn’t scream money, sometimes it’s tough to get the bartender’s attention. If it takes me long enough to get a beer that I could have walked across the street to 7-11, slammed a tallboy and come back, then I don’t really feel like there should be a tip. But at the same time, it’s not the bartender’s fault that there aren’t enough people working to keep up with demand. Plus, you HAVE to tip because you’ll be back in about 15 minutes. So you’re sort of trapped into tipping for shitty service. I wonder if that’s the origin of bar hopping. Basically you go from place to place until you find a bartender who seems to care about the simple task of getting you crunk. I WANT TO BE CRUNK. All you’re doing is allowing me to do what I’m trying to do. Transform my money into the dampening of feelings, damn it!
And I mean, you can’t really tip under a dollar, right? So you give someone a buck for something that cost $3, that’s a pretty generous tip in terms of percentage. But it’s only a buck.
The other night I went to a restaurant. In addition to my meal, I had a bracing shot of well whiskey. Which was $5.50. We all know the markup on restaurant booze is nuts, but then you end up tipping on that as part of the meal too. If I had two of those, pouring a total of maybe 3 ounces of whiskey from a bottle, tip-wise I’m still supposed to throw down the same as if I’d eaten a full meal. The system is totally out of order!
The thing is, when you don’t tip, people see that as you taking money out of their pocket. Which isn’t really what’s happening. Their employer is totes screwing them, and you make up the difference.
Which I can accept. Hey, it’s tough out there.
The problem as I see it, it sets up this weird dynamic where someone like me, one of the sensitives, tips on bad service. Because we feel guilty. But THEN, when someone who sucks at their job or really doesn’t care (which is the real reason to stiff someone, if you ask me) they don’t see the pattern. They get stiffed, but they’re usually getting tipped, so what’s the problem? Must be some jerk.
Here’s all I can think to do.
Pete’s Tippin’ Chart!
Below you will find what I think is an appropriate tip on everything. Comment and let me know if you think I’m off-base, but be warned that arguments starting with, “Well, as a bartender…” will probably not get you very far. Because if you’ve taken the time to read this, you’re obviously a great person and deserve to be rich. So how could I disagree with anything you say?
Keep in mind, these are what I think is fair. So if you’ve got a regular, or if your bartender/server/tattoo guy is awesome, bump it up.
Simple Alcoholic Beverages: $1/drink. Beer, single ingredient shots. A glass of wine where the bottle isn’t brought to your table. Basically, if we’re talking putting something from a vessel into another vessel, a buck is a pretty good tip on that. It really takes no more effort to pour an ounce of rotgut than it does an ounce of top shelf.
Simple Alcoholic Beverages For The Table: We’ve all been there. You grab drinks for a handful of people. Should you tip $10 on 10 shots of single-ingredient stuff? I say no. $1/drink or $5, whichever is less.
Restaurant Servers: 20%, rounded up to the nearest dollar. So if 20% would come out to $5.75, just go $6. Whether you’re doing a credit card or cash. However, if the bill is close to $10, go ahead and do $3.
Coffee Barista: A buck. Unless you’re doing multiples, picking up shit for your whole office. In which case I’m mad at you and you’re on your own. By the way, if someone from your office is nice enough to pick up coffee, take it easy on the complications, huh?
Anyone Who Touches Your Baggage Outside the Actual Airport: $2/piece. More if you’re rich. I know, they barely do anything sometimes. But think of it this way. For the cost of a couple bucks you go from looking cheap to looking like a goddamn hero.
Tattoos: I don’t have a strong tattoo opinion. I only have one, and it’s not like I spent a lot of time seeking out a great artist. Total walk-in. Which I don’t recommend. You should probably be talking to someone who is good at what they do. Hey, it’s permanent. I think 20% seems fair. Again, you’re spending a couple hundred bucks that you really don’t HAVE to spend. So save a couple hundred plus forty.
Hotel Front Desk: Ugh, even though I read this book and saw how much can change based on what you tip, I don’t know that you need to tip if you’re not picky about your room. It’s a personal thing, but most of the time if I’m on vacation, I spend the night at the hotel and that’s about it. It’s just a crash pad. But if you want anything, if you want a possible upgrade or to make sure you don’t end up in a room right next to the elevator, $20 is probably good in an “anything you might be able to do” kind of situation, $50 if you’re looking for more particular favors. Keep in mind, this is from the perspective of a dude who slept a week at a hostel with a sign slapped on the door saying it wasn’t fit for occupancy. If you’re a fancier person, go for the gold. If I was staying somewhere with a lady…well, this is just turning into wild speculation at this point. Oh, and if your workplace is paying for you to stay, think about it like this: You’re basically paying $50 for the entire stay. That’s pretty goddamn cheap.
Hotel Maid: $5 a night? I honestly forget to do this sometimes. I don’t really use the maid service ever. I don’t need shit changed out every day, and I pretty much treat hotels nice. You would hardly know I was there other than the bed being slept in and towels unfolded. So I guess you could tip lower if they never have to come in your room. $10 total? Let’s say $5 a night if they actually come in, $10 total if they don’t. Seems fair. Oh, and if I put out the Do Not Disturb sign and you knock anyway, you can just forget about it.
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