“This is a 4 for me, but it probably won’t be for you. FOUR you? Get it!? Also the Fantastic Four is in this book. Sorta. Minus the Invisible Girl because she stays home to have a baby. I guess the Fantastic Four has a good maternity leave plan. But I gather it’s controversial because some members feel that while they pick up slack around the office during Sue’s maternity leave, she then expects to return on equal footing in terms of raises and promotions. This is just what I read on Glassdoor, anyway.
The reason I say that you probably won’t like this, I think you can only enjoy this comic if you’re a fan of the classic…classic-ness of comics from the 80’s. And chances are, if you haven’t read this already, you’re probably not terribly inclined towards that kind of thing, so it’s probably not a winner.
I’m a fan of 80’s comics. Probably because I grew up with them, so they have that throwback feel that’s fun for me, and the nostalgia factor is so high that I can ignore some of the pitfalls. In fact, I find the pitfalls entertaining.
Should we just clear up the pitfalls?
The Wasp: The Wasp is basically concerned with only getting her hair did even though everyone’s on a weird planet fighting for their lives. Not a great representation of the ladies, although there are other ladies who seem better, or at least maybe atypical for the time. Now, to be fair, when you call yourself The Wasp, around about the time the term WASP was popularized, I think you’re asking for trouble. And in further fairness, none of the other female characters, including She-Hulk and Captain Marvel, and a couple baddies, seem to have these issues.
Colossus: Okay, so there’s a story here. In the regular X-Men books, Colossus and Kitty Pryde had a thing. Problem was, Kitty was like something like 13 and Colossus was 19. So they were a couple in theory, waiting for her to be of an appropriate age. Very weird storyline, I’d say it flew in comics because 90% of comics readers didn’t give a fuck about the romantic subplot, so it was kind of skimmed over most times. Also…I guess it’s weird, but there’s not usually a definitive age of these different characters. Anyway, Jim Shooter, who wrote Secret Wars, HATED this story, so he decided to put the Kitty/Colossus romance in the grave in this book. So Colossus was “unfaithful” to Kitty, but it ended a relationship that didn’t really work, so whatever. At the end of the day, look, it’s a weird line, but comics characters are at the mercy of their writers, so their actions aren’t attributable to them, as characters. Different writers do different silly shit, so I kinda figure that comic book characters aren’t to blame for their actions because, well, they have no agency whatsoever. We’re getting dangerously close to a philosophical free will discussion related to a bunch of goofballs being brought to a planet called Battleworld so they can punch each other, so let’s move on.
Volcana: For some reason, everyone keeps calling her a sow. Well, everyone on the bad guy team, which is mostly the Wrecking Crew, which are…not nice guys. I guess she’s fat? I don’t know if this is one of those things where the script doesn’t match the art or if we’re in a situation where what should’ve happened is it should’ve been clear they were just being jerks? It happens from time to time. Either way, not the sort of thing that’d fly in 2021, but it was 1984. Either way, ALSO weird because Volcana is sweet on Molecule Man, who can basically do anything to molecules, meaning he can basically DO anything TO anything. I don’t know, if I was fixing to pick a fight, probably wouldn’t do it with someone who could transform my innards into a pile of Thin Mints just by thinking about it.
Okay, that covers the “problematic” aspects of the book, so if those are a nope for you, cool, you should definitely select something else. Now let’s chat about some of the larger ramifications that probably came from this book.
Crossovers: This was an early, HUGE crossover in comics where you had a ton of characters with each other, Fantastics Four with X-Men, etc. You’d have the occasional crossover where Daredevil and Spider-Man teamed up to fight the Circus of Crime, probably overkill. Crossovers are a great idea, but Marvel has, in my opinion, gone too far with them. They basically do a big-ass crossover event every year. It’s too much. Also, Secret Wars was read-able even if you didn’t know a lot about these characters, so it was a little different. I think that’s a huge advantage for a crossover because as a comics fan who knows the basics but doesn’t know everything about everyone, it’s weird to get into a crossover and be like, “Wait…Daredevil has Power Cosmic now!?”
Merch: Secret Wars happened because people wanted to make money selling toys. DC had a hit with a line of toys, and Marvel worked with another company to make a toy line. However, the toy company said there had to be a big comics tie-in because at the time, Marvel’s characters were not as recognizable as Batman and Superman and the like. DC had done a good job getting their characters out there, Superman had movies going, and they also did a good job with cartoons and shit. The Secret Wars toys were not as cool as the DC figures. Funny enough, there was a time when MARVEL was all about fuck-ups where DC got it right. The Marvel figures were made on the cheap, using almost identical molds, so there were no large characters like the Hulk or Thing, and no female characters. They picked weird characters down the line, too, like Iceman (who doesn’t even appear in the book) and Hobgoblin (who also doesn’t appear). But I think it’s a funny origin for a comic, and it certainly wasn’t the only time a few bucks was behind the creation of something like this. And I have to say, the books are WAY better than they have any business being, considering the origin.
X-Men: Lots of people forget that the X-Men were not recognized as heroes in the Marvel U like they are today. Seeing this play out in Secret Wars was awesome. Yes, I recognize this premise is nerdy AF. But this really was the core of the X-Men, they were superheroes who were fighting for humanity, even while they were rejected by most humans. It’s become a little like people picturing Spider-Man as being in high school. Because that was the first iteration, it stuck, even though Peter Parker graduates from high school in Amazing Spider-Man 28, which came out in 1965! Only 3 years after his comic book debut. So for 3 of his 60 years, or 5% of his career, he’s been in high school. And yet, whenever he’s rebooted or re-movie-ed, bam, back to ol’ Midtown High.
The X-Men work a little the same, although not to such a high degree. X-Men and mutants started being a wider part of the Marvel U in the 70’s. In fact, it’s a little weird that there’s such a divide between Secret Wars characters because Beast joined the Avengers almost 10 years prior and became a regular, beloved Avenger. Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch also joined around the same time, leaving Magneto’s Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and coming over to the good side. In 1982 a book called X-Men: God Loves, Man Kills was published. This book was basically about a hypocritical religious fundamentalist trying to exterminate all mutants. The general public is still wary of mutants, but they’re not really into the overall extermination thing when the rubber meets the road, and it was a sort of outrageous, insane character who’s in the role of wanting to rid the world of mutants. The sentiment on mutants shifted back and forth a lot in the Marvel U, although at this point, I think it’s probably more difficult to do a story about “racism” against mutants because it seems like the world is a lot more accepting. For a good look at how this can be complicated, in a good way, I really recommend Inhumans by Paul Jenkins. This is really about a closed society of mutants with their own cultural norms that may or may not be ethically sound.
Venom: Secret Wars is the origin of Spider-Man’s black costume/symbiote which turns into Venom eventually. Fun fact: The costume originally had a red spider across the chest and back, which looked pretty badass. The symbiote joins with Spider-Man mostly by accident. Spider-Man thinks he’s walking into a magic costume-fixing machine, and instead accidentally walks into the “put an alien in my brain” machine. We’ve all been there.
Captain America: I think this book establishes Cap as a character others really look up to, which was a transition in the 80’s and 90’s. See, for a while, Marvel loved Cap, but I think fans found him…a little corny. It was nice to see this tide change in-narrative, the other Marvel heroes showing us that Cap was cool. Well, corny, but deserving of respect. It’s truthfully a good example of ways relationships can work in narrative because I don’t have to feel the same way about Cap that characters do, I just need to understand that the characters feel a certain way. Take note, especially people writing romantic relationships: I don’t need to love the character, but I do need to understand why the character is beloved, if they are.
Doctor Doom: He’s hilarious. This is like peak Doom, him just being dismissive of everyone as peons and peasants. There ends up being 3 or 4 different factions on Battleworld, and Doom ends up being his own faction almost immediately. While everyone decides to fight each other, Doom is like, “Fuck this, I’ll fight the Beyonder, who is basically a disembodied presence that had the power to build a planet and transfer everyone there.” It’s why he’s both brilliant and insane and possibly the most enjoyable comic book character ever. It’s just hilarious to see him lounging, pondering his next move, and reaching for the highest power while everyone else fights among themselves. At one point, a lackey he resurrected from the dead, sorta by accident because when you’re Doom, you can accidentally solve the problem OF DEATH, asks Doom if he’s always recording himself because he’s always narrating aloud what he’s thinking. Doom’s answer is basically, “Of course I’m recording all of it. I’m Doom.”
Mike Zeck: Artist extraordinaire. Really an underrated artist, IMO. There’s some really classic hero designs and re-tooling here, and Mike Zeck deserves a lot more credit in the pantheon of great artists. I had a Mike Zeck Punisher poster on my wall when I was a kid, before I had any idea who Mike Zeck was.
Jim Shooter: Jim wrote stories for Legion of Superheroes and sent them in because, well, he thought that was the suckiest book out there at the time, so he figured he could help. Someone at DC wanted to purchase these stories. At this time, Jim was 14. He eventually came to be Marvel’s Editor In Chief, and for a couple years, really kicked ass and brought Marvel into the spotlight. He did some good things for creators too, like kicking back royalties to artists when their books hit certain sales benchmarks and getting artists a piece of the action if their designs were made into toys. But the word around the Marvel camp is that after Secret Wars, Shooter got a big head and wanted every book done his way. Got a little micro-manage-y. A lot of creators at the time have basically said he did some great things for the industry, but then he overstayed his welcome at Marvel.
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And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Secret Wars is a 4 for me, but might not be for you. If that stuff outside the text isn’t fascinating for you, it’s probably not the best use of your reading time. But if it is, I think you’ll love this one.
I was going to make some pun like “The Secret’s out” or some shit, but that seemed corny. Like 80’s Captain America corny.”