Incident Report
Wonka Chocolate & Candy, inc.
11/12/1986
Please state your full name:
Ooompa Loompa Doopity (Doo)
Occupation:
Enslaved Elf Creature, hard candy sector
Please describe the incident in your own words:
There were five separate incidents today, one of the darkest days in Wonka history. Today, of all days, which should have been a day of magic for four young children.
The first incident involved a child name Augusts Gloop. The children and Mr. Wonka were at the beginning of the tour when Augustus decided to drink from the chocolate river. It never occurred to me before, but having a liquid chocolate river does seem pretty irresistible, especially if you haven’t had your taste buds burned off so that you are a better Wonka employee.
He fell into the chocolate, and the combination of oiliness and thickness made it nearly impossible for him to escape. He was pulled under and, to all of our horror, instead of drowning quietly under the chocolate waves we saw him shoot into one of the suction pipes, which are very unfortunately transparent.
The boy appeared to be in a tremendous amount of pain before the pressure built up behind him in sufficient force to crush his pelvis, shooting him up the tube where he surely drowned.
The second incident involved a child named Violet Beauregard. Violet attempted to eat one of our new pieces of gum which caused her body to swell and turn blue.
We managed to roll her out of the room and into a supply closet so as to shield the other children from her screams of horror and pain as her insides burst, expanding until her skin tore and her organs swelled to the point that we pray the blood and oxygen was cut off from her brain before she could experience much more pain.
The third incident involved a girl named Veruca Salt. She stood on one of our goose pillows, not realizing that they were hinged rather than solid and dropped her directly into the furnace where bad eggs are destroyed. Because of the size of the factory, she fell over 40 stories through pitch black duct work with elbow bends that must have shattered her young body as she fell, feeling the heat increase as she got closer and closer to her death.
An attempt was made to extinguish the furnace, but there was not nearly enough time.
Finally, the last victim of the day was Michael “Mike” Teevee.
Mike was blasted with the shrink ray. More than any of the other incidents, this one seemed to be preventable. The Oompa Loompas working the shrink way should have known better than to shoot a boy with any sort of ray, no matter how much he insisted.
Mike appeared to be alright, but his mother, after the shrinking, put Mike in her purse where he was smothered when he became trapped under her diaphragm, his small cries too slight or possibly too muffled by his mother’s form of birth control to have any effect.
What could we do differently next time?
These incidents, all on the same day, only serve to illustrate what I’ve been saying all along, that the working conditions here are unsafe and atrocious. This factory needs a complete overhaul to transform it from a death trap to some sort of sane workplace.