“There are about a million of these books out there. What bothers me is that, for the most part, it seems like the authors would have their strengths and weaknesses just like any other person.
In this one, I have to say the cooking portions are weak. The recommended method for cracking an egg is not the best in terms of keeping shell out of your egg, the method for chopping an onion is a guarantee for tears, and the pasta. Oh, the pasta! I’d like to edit the pasta portion:
Pete’s Guide to Cooking Pasta:
1. Fresh pasta will always taste better than Barilla. This is fact.
2. Do not add a pinch of salt to the boiling water. Add a shitload. I’m told that if you tasted Italian pasta water you’d think you’d gotten a mouthful of sea water. Yes, this is not the healthiest option. But frankly, based on what I’m told, human life is not, overall, a healthy option.
3. People ask me, How do you know if the pasta is finished? This is hard in Colorado especially because the altitude cocks up the whole thing. Here’s the thing: It’s food right? So look at the estimated time, and then start TASTING THE FUCKING FOOD TO DETERMINE IF IT’S RIGHT. Don’t throw it against the wall. Would you check a cookie’s doneness by smashing it with a mallet? Okay, there you go.
Perfect Pasta.
These books also have a few staples. How to tie a tie, for instance. Which is ridiculous. I know many an adult who has a tie that’s remained in a knot for years because he does not know how to tie a tie. Next wedding I go to, I’m untying every tie in the house to see who panics.
Pete’s Guide to Tying a Tie
1. Well, you already blew it if you’re old enough to be interested in a how-to book and you still don’t know how to tie a tie.
2. Decide whether you would look better with a chiseled, shaved chest or with a hairy chest featuring a gold chain.
3. Based on one of the above options, do not wear a tie and unbutton your collar. Done.
This book in particular has a guide to making your own trail mix. Are people out there fucking this up? If you’re fucking up trail mix, you have no business even being near enough to a hot stove to cook pasta.
Another good one that comes up all the time is a set of instructions for folding fitted sheets. This is apparently a huge problem for people. How many sets of fitted sheets do people have in storage at a time?
Pete’s Guide to Folding a Fitted Sheet
1. Hold the sheet out in front of you.
2. Jam it in some sort of basket for linens.
3. Put the basket in the closet.
It’s a fitted sheet, assholes. Why would you ever need or want to fold it? Just the fact that you own an extra fitted sheet means you are beating life at its own game.
Finally, Pete’s Guide to Loading the Dishwasher
1. Get drunk.
2. Load the dishwasher.
3. Wake up the next morning in a fog, but proud that you managed to do something productive during the haze.”