“The best thing about this memoir is that, unlike some comedian memoirs, it’s not just an alternate, weaker, less-engaging version of their stand-up. I hate that. It’s such a naked cash grab. Some more naked than others, like the Mike Birbiglia book that has THE SAME NAME as the stand-up special. Or the Amy Schumer book where she’s actually naked on the cover.
In the interest of showing everyone how bad I am at watching movies, let’s go through the appendix which lists the film Oswalt saw, and I’ll tell you whether I’ve seen them and what I think they’re about.
Sunset Boulevard: No. Dead guy in a pool. Old-timey detectives old-timey detecting.
Ace in the Hole: No. …poker?
The Nutty Professor: No. Inventing a bouncy goo for fun and profit.
Muriel’s Wedding: No. Muriel gets married. FINALLY.
Crimson Tide: Sorta. This is one I’ve seen most of on TV during 18 separate viewing sessions. Of submarine movies, which I can name about 5, this one is somewhere in the middle.
Amateur: No. Unless certain adult films count and this is a category. Then very much yes.
Die Hard With A Vengeance: Yes. Dozens of times. Totally underrated Die Hard movie.
Touch Of Evil: Yes! I know, I’m just as shocked as you are.
Kiss of Death: No. Although it’s a great Touch of Evil sequel title.
Steamboat Bill Jr.: No. I guarantee you this is something I would not enjoy based on the poster, which looks like a Little Rascals deal.
Little Odessa: No. Never heard of it. Never seen Big or Medium Odessa either.
Batman Forever: Yes. Arguably the most skippable of the original Batman saga. The first two are great, and the fourth is horrendous. The third is the bridge. Better to just wake up on the other side, confused and scared.
Bloodsucking Freaks: No. Though it’s a Troma joint, which I have mixed feelings about.
Repulsion: No. Although it’s a fitting title for most of my home movies.
Knife in the Water: No. I wish the tagline was, “The only thing more dangerous than a knife…is a knife in the water.
Apollo 13: YES. My vivid memory is of watching this at home while recovering from flu. So the movie always reminds me a little of vomiting. Also, Bill Paxton can’t catch a break in space.
Mad Max 2 The Road Warrior: Hell yes. This is nothing short of a great movie. Simple, insane, and it makes the shittiness of the apocalypse actually look shitty.
First Knight: Not really. I’ve seen an obstacle course portion a dozen times. Somehow. As for the rest, I’m pretty sure it’s never been shown on television.
A Clockwork Orange: Yes. Not a fan. Sorry, fuckers.
Judge Dredd: Yes. I think it’s a better watch than A Clockwork Orange. If you hadn’t already gotten a bead on my tastes, there you go.
Legend of the Red Dragon: No. I was never big into martial arts stuff. It’s fun sometimes, but the stuff in between the punching is usually unbearable.
Last Tango in Paris: No. Dancing? Paris? That’s two strikes.
Dr. Strangelove: Yes. I was probably about 6 years old. To say that most of it was lost on me is the understatement of the century.
La Jetee: No. Can’t even muster up a joke.
Bicycle Thieves: No. Is this the same thing as The Bicycle Thief? If not, someone has created a trap for budding film nerds, and it’s not appreciated.
Hiroshima Mon Amour: No. Also…what?
Belle du Jour: No. I guess this whole French thing was big in movies, huh?
Peking Opera Blues: No. This only has one strike in the title, “opera,” but it’s a biggie.
Kids: No. This was one a lot of my classmates saw way too young. I saw Terminator 2. And the Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren. I was put on a path.
Desperado: Yes. A pretty good action picture. Although I’m still not sure why that one dude did that weird crouch, leg-extended pose to fire a rocket launcher guitar case. But I may be getting a little too specific.
The 500 Fingers of Dr. T: No. But I’m glad Mr. T made something of himself.
Blow Out: No. Although I would like to.
Dressed to Kill: No. Although this is definitely a VHS cover I would have lingered over as a kid. If you saw me in the DRAMA section at Blockbuster as a kid, it was just to look at VHS covers with partial nudity.
The Usual Suspects: Yes. And because I had good friends, nobody spoiled it for me. Pretty lucky.
The Chinese Feast: No. Although the alternative title to this is definitely “Pete’s Idea of Date Night.”
The Maltese Falcon: No. I don’t care about falcons. Or Malteasers.
Two-Lane Blacktop: No. Is it just me or does that dude on the cover look exactly like Samurai Cop?
Cisco Pike: No. But does this have something to do with the merging of two Star Trek universes?
Anyway, that’s only a small, partial list. I feel like you’ve gotten a decent idea of what an uncultured swine I am. But hey, at least I managed to read a book ABOUT watching these movies. Partial credit?”