So the other day I went to a coffee shop. They force you to buy baked goods there because instead of having them wrapped up they are under glass domes. I think everything looks better under a glass dome. Disco ball light, for instance, is incredible. And the movie Bio-Dome would have been total shit if not for the dome factor.
I got a cinnamon roll, a great choice under normal circumstances because those suck balls to make at home and I would suck balls to eat them anywhere.
I sat down and ate the driest, crustiest, non-frosted cinnamon roll known to man.
If you want to know what it was like, try buying a normal cinnamon roll. Then freeze it and thaw it and freeze it again. Do this cycle about 40 times, then smoke it over a campfire for hardness.
It tastes like shit. And after some help inspecting the chalkboard menu, scandal of scandals, it was revealed to be a VEGAN cinnamon roll. Sons of bitches. I like how if something contains peanuts you have to serve it in a hazmat suit, but something that tastes like the inside of a walrus dick because it doesn’t have any good shit in it is fine to just set out on the counter.
Do you know what’s in a vegan cinnamon roll? The recipe I found online is pretty similar to a regular one, except instead of eggs you use some bullshit egg substitute. They come in a box that looks like it was graphic designed in the late 70’s, like the boxes you find in the Jewish aisle at the store. And you know what these eggs are made out of? potato starch, tapioca starch flour, leavening, and that’s about where the things I’ve ever heard of end.
I’m a fucking idiot, okay? I don’t know how to do things with smarts. So maybe that’s the problem. But I just don’t understand how concocting your own egg is better than eating a regular egg. And how is that an egg? If I mash a bunch of dog food into an egg shape I can’t just crack it over a pan and make any sort of scramble I’ve ever seen on a banner outside IHOP, that’s for goddamn sure. I think that you can swear off eggs, but I think the deal is that you don’t get to eat eggs anymore. You know how you see that vegetarian bacon at the store? That’s bullshit too. I wouldn’t make a meat broccoli, so don’t try and trick me with a fake piece of bacon that’s wavy before you even cook it.
And get this: no fucking frosting on the cinnamon roll. NONE. So this is just a coil of shit wrapped in on itself. I swear to god, I was so fucking thirsty by the time I finished that I was trying to puncture my own skin with a fork just to get at blood.
So fuck you, vegan cinnamon roll. I may not have known right off that you were vegan, but I knew that you were a piece of shit.