“Last night I went to do laundry at my apartment and all three washers were filled with fluid. I’m not calling it “liquid.” “Liquids” do not smell the way those washers smelled.
This is a long explanation of why I was at the laundromat at 11:30 PM on a Thursday skimming He’s Just Not That Into You.
I guess it explains the locale more than the reading choice.
I ALSO have to give a presentation about books that might help a person’s business. And because you can only read so much of that shit before you pray to Krom for the strength to squeeze your own head and crush your own life to pieces, I wanted to throw in some other books that might help business-y people too. I figured, hell, maybe there’s some lessons to learn about customer relations here. Maybe your customers are just not that into you.
That’s the excuse portion of the reasoning. The other thing, I’ve found myself to be a man who, though kind, sometimes struggles making a lady feel really and truly wanted. So I thought, Maybe I’ll see some glimmers of things in here that I do and try to avoid some of those pitfalls. I mean, let’s face it, we all know our foibles. Sometimes it’s just good to see how other people deal with them, not to mention consider some alternative strategies. I’d be very embarrassed if anyone ever asked me how much I learned from skimming the 5 Love Languages.
To borrow a phrase from every 4th grade in America: You’re just a big girl, Pete.
I need to stop asking 4th graders what they think of me and allowing them to respond via email.
Because business is boring, I just want to talk about this book in terms of relationships. To summarize the business advice gleaned from this and about 50 titles: If you work your ass off and do something you’re passionate about as opposed to interested in using as a money pipeline, and if you can maintain a human level of empathy throughout, you have as good a shot as anyone. If you open up a coffee shop but hate people and mornings, you’re fucked. If you open up a comic store and love comics and the publishing industry, you’re probably still fucked, but you’ll have a good few years and you won’t regret it. Think about it, very few people look back and say, “The one time I took a chance on something I really wanted, I totes regret that shit.” So there you go, food for thought.
Relationships.
I gave this book a 3-er because it’s written nicely. It’s funny. It’s light, and it does something tough in that it’s acting as a wake-up call without being overly angry at the readers. Like any good artist, the writers here seem to take what they do seriously, but don’t necessarily take themselves seriously. It’s a good combo.
This book is a roadmap for ladies to find a man to marry and be with forever. If that’s what you want, then this might not be a bad choice.
HOWEVER
I think the ideas here are based on a false premise. Let me explain.
The idea throughout the book is that a man will pursue a woman he is interested in. Therefore, if a man is not pursuing you, dear reader, then he’s not interested. Simple.
And yes, I agree with the idea that men, people in fact, don’t want to dump anyone. Nobody wants to hurt someone else, calling to say what’s wrong with them in order to break up. A lot of people, if they go on a date and find you repulsive for whatever reason, whether it’s your personality or your weird butt or your political stance or that weird butt, or possibly a weird butt, a lot of people would rather just never call again then call and say, “You have a weird butt.”
I’ve received a number of “Dear John” or rather “Dear Weird Butt” letters. It’s hurtful, being reduced to one (weird) part.
So in a way, the authors are right.
Where they go wrong is in saying that a woman should never, absolutely never, ask out a man, initiate a phone call to a man in early stages, or do any of that shit. Because if he calls you, you know he’s in. If he doesn’t, he’s not.
There are a lot of problems with this.
First and most obvious, ladies are advised to kiss goodbye their right to pursue people they like. The co-author says she was mad about this at first and later felt like it was empowering, that she was holding the cards. I call total bullshit on that. Why? Sadly, as a species, I don’t think we’re very good at giving people more rights, respect, or cred if they don’t ask for it. Did women get the right to vote because men just felt like they were sweethearts and had earned it? Did white guys stop firehosing black people because they just sort of realized how fucked up that was? Are we working on gay rights in a painfully slow fashion without them making a peep about it? NO! No, I don’t think we’ve gotten a whole lot of anything without asking.
I say fuck that. Being asked out is empowering, but surrendering power is really not the way to gain more of it.
Let’s talk about the kind of person who will respond to this as well. Yes, you can be pretty certain that a guy who pursued you through hell and high water does like you. But, BUT, if YOU refuse to make any headway, there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to attract a guy who wouldn’t WANT a woman who takes any sort of control. I’m not saying he’ll never let you be topsies in the sex times (I am so bad at sex that I do not know the terminology and constantly embarrass myself), but I’m saying that if you go by tradition A, don’t be surprised if you attract a man who also subscribes to tradition A AND traditions B-K. He won’t be a wifebeater just because he wouldn’t like being asked out by a woman. But hey, maybe you would like to be the breadwinner. Maybe you’re into him staying home with a baby. Maybe you think he drives like a loser and prefer to take the wheel now and then.
Fuck me, my mom would be so proud of me right now.
Another thing. Isn’t it everyone’s goal to be with someone who they think, “Christ. Why is this person with me?” I mean, not every waking moment or anything. But in a weird, terrible way, saying to yourself that you feel like you lucked out big time. Sure, you’ve got good qualities. You’ve read a lot of Amazing Spider-Man. You have a vague sense of furniture placement rules. But come on, this partner could do a little better on some level.
With that in mind, you might get someone shooting way above his bracket, but in all likelihood you’re going to get guys asking you out who are thinking, “She looks attainable.” That’s a terrible way to think about a person, but most guys don’t really shoot for the moon on this stuff.
I recently met a good friend who told me how he started dating his wife. Basically, he was moving out of town, so he figured he’d just ask out the prettiest, nicest girls that he thought were way out of his league. Because fuck it. He’d be gone forever, so why not go for broke? It worked, and they’re married. They have kids. More than one for chrissakes. My point: Under normal circumstances, a guy isn’t super likely to go for broke when it comes to asking out a girl he considers out of his league. Especially not a nice, realistic guy like this friend.
The system in this book, it allows men to try and bat out of order, but not women. You can’t go after someone you consider out of your league. You just have to hope they come to you. That seems like a sad way to live. I rarely say this, but I think it applies to relationships. It’s not about getting what you deserve. It’s about getting a little bit more.
Last thing, and why I think the premise is flawed. This book makes an assumption. The assumption, that the opposite of a man who is interested and pursues a woman is a man who is uninterested and does not. That if Rule A is true, and Rule A states “A man who does not pursue you is not interested in you” then it’s opposite is true, “A man who does pursue you is interested.”
But is the opposite of a pursuer who is not pursuing a pursuer who IS pursuing? Or is the opposite a non-pursuer?
I know, this sounds like the logic they use with Bizarro Superman. He flies backwards, feet first, but shouldn’t he also be upside-down? Or underground or something?
I’m just trying to say that I think the opposite of a man who is not pursuing you is not a passionate, interested man that is. Setting up any group of humans as either one or the other, on/off switch, is a mistake.
Take the signals, pay goddamn attention, but don’t take any advice as gospel, especially when it’s based on a “Men be all like this…” premise. That’s not science. That’s just the experience of one man. And yes, many many people have written in and agreed with this book, however if you’re thinking about this scientifically, most people who read this probably already suspect that He’s Just Not That Into them. That’s why they picked up the book. So it stands to reason.
At the end of The Elements of Style, the Strunk & White book that tells you how to write the right way, these bastions of proper English lay it out there, saying that although these are the rules, many, many great writer has found greatness specifically by breaking these rules. They tell you straight-up that there are rules, but if you break them at the right time and the right way, you’ll connect with someone on a different level.
That’s my advice, after reading this book. Nearly everyone I know has said that he or she doesn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship. And nearly everyone I know HAS been after making that declaration.
It’s simple. I don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship with a woman. But that’s A woman. When it comes to the question of being in a long-distance relationship with Anastasia (I tried to pick a name associated with NOBODY I know, but if I remember I DO know one this is going to be extra fucked-up because it’ll seem really, really pointed) it’s a different discussion.
Rules are there for the masses, and they’re broken by individuals. Especially when it comes to love.
Have high standards, go after what you want, but don’t be an idiot. Don’t impose rules on yourself that limit your own happiness. “