“I’ve been very worried about the cat I live with. The very thought that I might be living with a GAY!? Cat!? I mean, ME!?
So I picked up this guide to try and help me out.
First off, it’s for dude cats. Not lady cats. Already, strike one in terms of helping me with my problem.
Second, some of the stuff is like, “Does your dude cat go out on dates with other dude cats wearing leather motorcycle outfits? Dates that end in tender make-out sessions?” How does that help? I can do the math on that one, thanks.
Third, this book claimed that a gay male cat will break into your supply of Chanel No. 5. Are the rest of you NOT regularly spraying your cat with Chanel No. 5? What are you spraying them with, then? If you even start to say the words “White Diamonds” I will call the ASPCA on your ass so fast…
Frankly, I was hoping to discover that some of the cat’s bad behaviors were the result of being gay. That’s an actionable issue. I even called one of those re-education camps. They DO NOT take cats and get VERY angry when you ask and then hang up and call again and in a different voice, by the way.
It turns out that behaviors like scratching up nightstands, drinking out of my glass, and galloping around the house in the night are not so much gay behaviors as they are cat behaviors. Which I had to learn by calling a re-education camp over and over with different voices. And I gave them a lot of credit card numbers, which seems, in retrospect, like a poor decision.
If this book had been a little more responsible and helpful, maybe Camp Straight Arrow wouldn’t have my credit cards and use those cards to buy weird vans to go pick up kids against their will. Sorry about that, kids. But we wouldn’t be in this situation right now if this book had been a little more researched.”