“If I may, I’d like to share the origin of the Bad Breath Vampire:
Once upon a time there was an average garbage man. Average except he had the worst breath ever. He was making the round when he came across The Devil putting out the garbage.
*record scratch*
The Devil. Putting out the garbage.
*music resumes*
The garbage man said he’d sell his soul to the Devil if only the Devil would take away his cursed, awful breath. The Devil, always in the market for a soul for some reason, said cool beans and made the garbage man’s breath sweet.
SO SWEET, in fact, that it was bothersome.
We never learn. We never, ever learn.
The guy’s breath was so sweet that he started eating garbage off the truck just to tamp things down. Which gave him stomach cancer and killed him.
In Hell, the guy’s breath was so offensive that The Devil decided to give him the boot. Not only that, but that it was necessary to make him a vampire of sorts. That way he’d be immortal, never come back to Hell, and never bother anyone dead with his breath ever again.
And THAT, my friends, is merely the origin of the vampire-like creature that flies around disguised as a log of shit and bites people, turning them into logs of shit. Oh, and there’s a guy named Dr. Stupid, and what else do I have to say to convince you to buy this book?”