“I wish everyone would read this before the upcoming election. Because my god, this thing reads like a preventative guide for most, and a tactics manual for political debates.
Here’s my impression of presidential debates:
Moderator: Candidate Buttface, tell us about your opinion on immigration.
Candidate Buttface: I’ll tell you all you need to know, which is that my opponent, Candidate Fartface, has the same opinion on immigration as our current president, President ButtButt. And look at the state of family values!
Moderator: Candidate Fartface, your response.
Candidate Fartface: Abortion am bad! Guns! I have a feeling about those that agrees with a tiny minority who, unfortunately, vote in numbers! Death panels! How do they work? Right to life! Gays are getting married and what are the effects on pizza parlors who hate gay people! Small business! I worked on a farm one summer!
Moderator: Stirring words indeed.
[cut back to Fox News studios]
And now we have this fuckface who pops the collar on his stupid polo shirts and interviews women with their boobs out.
Fuckface: Thanks, Bill! You, you have your boobs out and are celebrating Mardi Gras. Can I ask you a question about Obamacare and then wink at the camera like, ‘See this drunk idiot? With her boobs out?’
Boobs Out Lady: Um, [says something frustratingly stupid that makes me mad every time because it’s like, can’t ONE drunken party person tell this guy he’s an asshole]
Fuckface: [winks at camera] Back to you, Bill.
Bill: Back to the debate.
Moderator: Thank you candidates, for listening to me ask a question, hearing the Charlie Brown teacher voice, and then basically talking about whatever the fuck you felt like talking about. What a rich and wonderful tapestry we have.
*distant sound of gunfire as I end my own life*
FIN”