“I read this. This is not a 1-star review because I hate the idea. It’s a 1-star review because I looked at every page in this book and read every word.
If you happen to pick this up in the store, the section of black pages towards the middle has the nudes. Let me just save everyone some time right there. I don’t want to sound like a piggish asshole or anything. But if you’re looking to skip the preamble, there you go.
Second piece of advice, I don’t think this is meant to be read in one sitting. It starts to make me wonder if Kim Kardashian is like S1m0ne from that movie S1m0ne where Pacino makes everyone think his fake computer robot lady is real and then when she disappears he gets accused of her murder. It makes me wonder if Kim Kardashian is a computer lady with a robo face that only has a couple modes. But maybe she’ll get those upgrades soon…
The pictures have captions. Some of them. Let’s be honest, it’d be a lot of work to caption every picture. The captions are stuff like, “These pictures were taken in Germany, Australia, Italy and Miami.”
Yes, I have a problem with Kim Kardashian’s refusal of the Oxford comma. You guessed it.
The OTHER problem, you don’t actually see a lot of Germany, Australia, or anything except Kim Kardashian’s face and boobs. Which I understand is the point, but goddamn, couldn’t you at least get a picture of your boobs next to a kangaroo or some shit? There are so many pictures of Kim Kardashian’s boobs you’d think that, by simple law of averages, a kangaroo would have snuck in there. Or, law of averages, something interesting would show up at some point.
Probably the best caption: “I don’t think I’ve ever taken as many selfies as I did in Thailand. It’s one of the prettiest places I’ve ever traveled to!”
Then we get to see what Kim’s face and boobs look like IN THAILAND. Which is suspiciously similar to what that stuff looks like in Australia and Germany. Oh, wait. There IS one picture from Thailand with an elephant in the background. Although the very next one is a picture of a waterfall where the waterfall, over Kim’s shoulder and in the background, is overexposed and invisible. Boobs, however, present and accounted for.
Look, I’m not going to psychoanalyze Kim Kardashian because what’s the point? A billion other people have done it already. Ask anyone, you’ll get an opinion on Kim Kardashian.
I’m just here to say this books is shit. It’s not a chronicle of a whirlwind life or whatever. It’s not all that amazing when Kim says she remembers who did her hair and makeup for each photo (especially because it seems like one dude does her makeup 90% of the time). And there aren’t real stories told in the book. Probably the most narrative caption is from a time she went out for someone’s birthday and then went to Nobu.
Hope Kim had an empty spindle to wind back up ALL THAT YARN she spun there.
Nor does the book explain or make me feel anything about the idea of selfies or even give like, I don’t know, ONE tip on taking a good selfie. Which I have, by the way. Ready?
1. Clean your fucking room before you take a selfie. Pick up your laundry basket, seriously, for real.
2. Clean your fucking mirror before you take a selfie. Gross.
3. Your phone has a front-facing camera. You don’t need to take a picture in the mirror.
4. Pre, Post, and Mid workout selfies are the worst. Just skip it. Everyone makes fun of people for taking pictures of food, but I’d rather see a hundred sandwiches than one more photo hashtagged #FeelTheBurn or some such shit. Fuck off with that nonsense. If I care whether you’re working out, I’ll ask. Which I won’t. Because I don’t.
5. Don’t call your own husband “Yeezus” or any other stupid nickname he comes up with in your captions. I don’t care how famous the dude is, you don’t have to call your husband “Optimus Prime” or “Stanley Goodspeed” or whatever asinine name he comes up with.
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