“I read this book because a teacher I work with had a parent who complained about her 15 year-old reading Persepolis. So, I tried to help out by finding alternatives.
This one doesn’t really fit the bill, but it’s still pretty great. It’s like…whimsical? Can I use that word and not have it mean that it’s like the first days of Hogwart’s or something? Because I feel like anything magical is basically the first day of Hogwart’s, that thing where they throw someone’s wedding band in a volcano, or that other one where it’s a mish-mash of 80’s movies where a kid is riding a legless, flying dog and a horse drowns in the mud because he’s just like “Eh, fuck this shit”, and also the one where it’s David Bowie’s dick and balls front and center for about 2 hours.
It’s a weird coincidence that I was working on a presentation for Saturday where my job is to talk smack about some classic comics. Before anyone gets up in arms about internegativity (that’s a combo of internet and negativity, by the way, which is a lot shorter way to say it. Unless you explain it in parenthesis), let it be known that this is a secret/no-to-secret way to recommend great graphic novels to librarians, who are pretty on-board with the idea, in general, but sometimes need a nudge past something that…how can I put this…something that Ira Glass would definitely read.
What smack do I have to talk about the graphic canon?
1. Maus
The title could be spelled a little less cute.
2. Persepolis
I blame the illustrations in this book for sowing the seeds that would lead to the revival of the silly mustache.
3. Blankets
Let me save you a lot of time. One time I jacked off into a tissue. I’m not over it yet. The End. No, wait. The wind and autumn are beautiful. NOW the end.
4. Sandman
Dave McKean. Some of his stuff is great, but some of it looks like he went into a grandpa’s shed, dropped a bunch of stuff on the floor and then drew a face on whatever looked the most like a head.
5. Fun Home
If I had to compare oral sex experiences to literature, I guess I’d go with the DVD insert for Demolition Man. Don’t question it, that’s JUST as valid as comparing oral sex to Homer’s Odyssey. And it’s more current. And involves Sandy Bullock, America’s sweetheart.
6. Watchmen
How did a book with this much text get made into a movie by Zack Snyder? How!?
7. Batman: The Killing Joke
20 year-old comic has 20 year-old views on strong female characters. And unless you feel like having an argument about that, I’d skip this one.
8. Saga
Would it KILL you to draw in a background? Also, have we all forgotten that TV head was the ghost of Christmas future in Scrooged, and he was fucking terrifying?
9. Walking Dead
This series has gone longer on the “don’t go in the basement” brand of readership than anyone ever thought possible.
10. 100 Bullets
Brian Azzarello was a huge penishead to me at a Con 13 years ago. So I guess I’ll forgive him when it’s 20 years and I’m ready to say, like with The Killing Joke, “It was a different time.”
11. The Dark Knight Returns
I don’t know if we can blame a comic for its audience, but holy shit, we’ve spent the last couple decades trying to out-Miller Frank Miller when it comes to Batman. To put it as a silly Batman villain might, “A plan as futile as it is dumb. And shitty.”
12. Hellboy
I’m still mad at the casting of Ron Perlman as Hellboy. That seems like cheating.
13. Archie
I can’t say anything bad about this one. I too had a hard time deciding which hot babe to bang in high school. Like many a red-headed, sweater-vest-ed teen, Archie spoke to the pain felt by us all.
14. Epileptic
I feel like this one was a trick somehow. I can’t really explain it, but were we tricked into reading this one.
15. Fagin the Jew
NOTHING IS FUNNY ABOUT THIS TITLE AT ALL.
16. Fables
Wouldn’t it be weird if Snow White was like-
NO! Stop it. No more stories where it’s like a fairy tale, but different. Snow White involves a woman dancing herself to death in red hot metal shoes, a concept that STILL hasn’t been used in a Shakira video somehow. “Dance yourself to death, Shakira!”
“3, 2, 1. Hit it!”
17. Invisibles
This is the ONLY comic I’ve ever returned to the book store because I disliked it so intensely.
18. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
If I remember correctly, wasn’t there some kind of weird, unnecessary butt secks thing in here? I feel like there was. Like that movie Man on Fire where Denzel puts explosives up a guy’s ass. Denzel, just put it in his pants pocket. He’s handcuffed anyway, and he was passed out when you put the explosives up his ass, so it’s not like he has to experience that part of it. Just, you know. Put them on the ground next to him. Frankly, I think it’s just weird that you felt it necessary to do it that way. You’re weird, Denzel.
19. V for Vendetta
Now I don’t know if that mask was a thing before, or now it’s just for hackers, or if they found it from the comic or the movie.
Okay, I just looked this up. Time Warner gets a taste of every one of those masks sold. I guess steal one, then.
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