“I read it. I did it.
I didn’t hate it.
The most obnoxious thing I could do is say something like: I’ve got a review coming up this week at LitReactor.com, where I’m a frequent contributor.
And I’m the most obnoxious person ever, so…
Hereâs the first part, the rest is up over at Litreactor today!
Alien abductions, blue man sex, wormlike parasites, spaceships, Star Wars references, sassy heroines, oral sex punsâIce Planet Barbarians isâ¦a lot. And BookTok has taken note, dusting the frost off this bad boy 7 years after it was originally published.
One brave readerâmeâdecided to investigate and find out whether the book really is a rock solid banger or a flaccid slab of blah.
Letâs lube up and slide on in.
Basically
Georgie is our heroine. Picture a youngish Sandra Bullock. Oh, and conveniently, thatâs what Georgie looks like. I recommend people spend time thinking about Sandra Bullock in general, it just makes for a nice couple moments, but in this case it’s actually useful.
Georgie is having an average night until she’s abducted by aliens.
You might be thinking that Iâve skipped a lot of backstory and character building, probably our hapless heroine spilling coffee on herself at her high-powered magazine job. Nope! I counted, and 215 words into the book, weâre in space.
Georgie, along with about a dozen other women, are held on a spaceship, and best they can figure theyâre meant to be breeding stock for their alien kidnappers.
THEN, the kidnapping aliens dump their human cargo. Best I can figure (I use this phrase a lot with romance novels), it sounds like maybe some kind of Space Cop was pulling over the alien spaceship, so the aliens dumped their cargo somewhere they could retrieve it later. Sort of like throwing a bag of shrooms out the window when youâre getting pulled over on the highway.
The humans are scared, injured, low on supplies, and theyâre basically in a space shipping container, stuck on a planet Georgie describes as âNot-Hoth.â
Georgie leaves the shipping container because reasons, and she encounters our hero, Vektal.
Vektal is tall, dark blue, and horny. Horns on his head AND enthusiastic about getting it on. He goes down on Georgie almost immediately after they meet.
Vektal and Georgie try and communicate, and thatâs some of the fun of the book, their learning to understand each other. The narration goes back and forth between them, Georgie telling her side, Vektal telling his side. Itâs a little like a reality dating show that way, where we see them together, then they go into narrator/confessional mode and we hear their inner thoughts.
Vektal is completely smitten with Georgie, and Georgie describes Vektal’s cock so often that I could draw it more accurately than I could draw my own at this point.
Thereâs a hell of a lot more, including the return of the evil aliens and some glowing parasitic worms who serve as a sort of intergalactic Tinder (itâs complicated. And gross. So I guess itâs EXACTLY like intergalactic Tinder), but I think you get the gist.”