Hey readers. When we last left Dum-Dum, he was still a piece of shit and the skin started coming off his head.
He needed some help.
If you remember, one of my main pieces of advice was to go to Petsmart for all your baby goods. I’m telling you now that a similar gambit of taking your baby to a vet doesn’t work. They buy it at first, especially if your kid has a name like Dum-Dum, but by the time they want you to get your animal on the scale, the jig is up. Also, they don’t believe it when you stutter for a minute and then pick up your baby and say, “Oh my god! Dum-Dum, you became a real boy at last!”
So we took the bus to the hospital. Here’s another parenting tip. Babies love the bus. Love it. They love it so much because they can cry the whole fucking way to somewhere and make you look like an asshole.
At the hospital they had me fill out all these sheets of shit I didn’t know about Dum-Dum.
How much does he weigh? One? I don’t know. Pretty much the closest to nothing that a human can. One or so.
Does he have any allergies? I would say he appears to be allergic to the bus, based on what a dick he was being.
And a bunch of other stuff like that. Eventually you just write nononononnononononononono until you get to the end and then ask some hobo on a chair next to you to sign at the bottom. That’s another parenting tip, by the way. It takes a village to raise a child, and it also takes a village to be legally responsible if a baby dies from an injection of stuff it’s allergic to.
We finally got in to see the doctor. He put a thing in his ear and looked in. Then he put a thing on his chest to listen to all the crap happening in there.
“Doctor,” I said. “All that stuff is fine. It’s his skin coming off. I would say I’m worried he’s transforming into something worse than he already is.”
The doctor swiped the baby’s hair aside. “I think he just has some cradle cap. He should be fine.”
I laughed. “Doctor, I know you’re the professional here, but I don’t see how that’s possible when he’s never even seen a cradle. This asshole wouldn’t know a cradle if I set him on the floor and put one upside-down on top of him so it was like a little jail and then took his picture and wrote something on it like, ‘I can haz parole?'”
Then Dum-Dum started sneezing.
“Hey,” I said, “Is that like one of those important firsts? Like walking and falling down steps? Something for his baby book?”
Despite what you all might think, Dum-Dum does have a baby book. It’s not exclusively devoted to him. Okay, it’s actually just a stack of old Playboys. But I use a picture of him to mark where I am in the stack. That way I can mark my progress on my “whack through the ages.”
The doctor tried to get Dum-Dum to open his mouth, but he wouldn’t do it for anything.
“I told you he was a dick,” I said. “He doesn’t want to just because he knows you want him to. Total dick.”
The doctor gave up on the mouth and took out this little powder blue thing. It had a ball shape that he held in his hands and a pointy end, all made of rubber. He squeezed the ball and then jammed the pointy end in Dum-Dum’s nose. The ball sucked in and pulled all the boogers out of his nostril. Then he did the other side. The doctor handed me the sucker.
“Just use this on him a couple times a day. It’ll help clear the congestion.”
Sensing where this was headed (a bill) I said, “That’s great. Hey, can you point me to the nearest candy machine?” Then, like always, I ran like hell.
I found a cure for Cradle Cap. It turns out you can just put a hat or a bandanna on his head. I put a rainbow bandanna on him that I found at Hobby Lobby. Is there such a thing as a gay baby? There has to be, right? Either way, I need to get on writing that screenplay.
Oh, and when people are annoying you at Hobby Lobby because they’re looking at stupid fake sets of leaves and shit, I recommend you do the following:
Supplies:
-Baby
-Baby snot sucker upper
Procedure:
-Suck up baby snot.
-Shoot baby snot on sweater of dumb old broad.
It’s only a matter of time before some baby company picks up on this blog, so enjoy the parenting tips while they last.