Today, me and Dum-Dum started our day out at Petsmart. This is another one of those great parenting tips I was promising everyone. Did you know that stuff for babies and stuff for dogs is pretty much the same shit? What’s the difference between a kennel and a crib? A roof? Also, 400 bucks? And how about those dog toys? Those look a hell of a lot like the kind of shit babies play with. Maybe not so much the ones that are ropes and tennis balls, but the ones shaped like weird animals for sure.
I was thinking that one of those igloos might work as a crib if you just put it up on its side up against a wall so the opening was pointing straight up when a woman came by.
“Be cool, Dum-Dum,” I said.
He flopped like he was an old shitty beanbag with all the beans draining out. Idiot.
I decided it was time to pretend I was interested in whatever she was buying. That way we would have something to talk about.
“Hey, can I ask you, which one of these hamster tubes do you think is, um, funnest?”
She looked up at me and squinched her eyes.
“I think they’re all about the same,” she said.
I said, “Totally.”
Then she left.
“You really fucked that one up for me, Dum-Dum,” I said. Then I shouted Fuck really loud and some other people looked at me.
“Sorry,” I said. “Just parenting ma’ kid. False alarm. Go about your business, please.”
I ended up buying the igloo for Dum-Dum and a neck collar. That one I bought a little tight just in case he wanted to screw things up between me and a lady and needed a little reminding again about who is in charge.
I think he liked the igloo. I was out of blankets because breadwinners get blankets, but I did get him a big bag of cedar chips that filled up the bottom of the igloo pretty well. It’s like an organic ball pit in there, except completely dark because once I tip the igloo on its side I make sure to put a pizza stone over the top so he can’t get out. That’s parenting tip about 1,000. Even if you have a crib, it’s a good idea to get a heavy board and put it over the top. Make sure to weight it as well, just in case baby starts to get ideas about being a big strong man.
After I took a four hour nap and Dum-Dum took a two hour nap and cried for two more hours, we decided to get up. I brushed him off with one of those dog hair tape brushes so that he looked presentable and then we hit the dog park.
The dog park is pretty much the best place in the world to pick up women. It really is. It’s because there isn’t shit to do out there so you’ll talk to anyone, even a boring asshole who stole a baby, for at least a couple minutes.
I set down Dum-Dum so he could play with the dogs. A Golden Retriever ran over and started licking the crotch of his diaper.
“So,” I said to a woman standing at the fence, “How fun is the dog park, huh?”
She didn’t say anything, but instead she screamed. Later she would apologize for her dog biting Dum-Dum’s head. I wouldn’t say the dog was biting it. He was more just holding it in his teeth. But he let go right away after she ran over and said, “Bad Toby!”
I said, “Whoa, whoa, it’s okay. It’s not your dog’s fault. The baby probably provoked him,” I said. Then when she wasn’t looking I kicked a little dirt in his face.
“Is he okay?” she said.
“Chocolate,” I said. “That’s just chocolate on his face.”
“I live right down the street. Maybe you should come and we’ll get him cleaned up. It’s definitely time for SOMEONE to go home anyway.” She glared at the dog while she said it.
I said, “That sounds like a good plan to me. Lead the way.”
I walked a couple steps and then got embarrassed because I just left Dum-Dum there on the ground. But I recovered. Before I went back for him I put my hands to shield my eyes from the sun and said, “Looks pretty safe. Alright, let me bring him then.”
Tune in tomorrow to see if Pete gets lucky. And to find out stuff about Dum-Dum, if he doesn’t piss me off too bad between now and then.