“Dead Men Scare Me Stupid”

“Another home run for Swartzwelder.
I put this one a little lower, but you have to understand, it’s a 4 on the Swartzwelder Scale, not the general scale. The Swartzwelder Scale is its own level of greatness.
Plus, it’s got ghosts, so this is officially the beginning of spooky reading season! That’s right, fuckheads, Halloween season begins in late August now. I’m surprised you didn’t know that. I’m pretty sure I made everyone aware in my newsletter, and if not there, through my wardrobe.
The biggest problem is that nobody has invented the warm weather sweater yet. I need a garment that looks like a sweater, probably with a pumpkin on it, but is only as warm as a tank top.
Why can’t science get anything right? The next time I see some scientist did another study to see if red wine is good for us, I’m going to lose my shit. Who cares if it’s good for us? We’re going to drink it whether it’s good or bad, so we might as well just declare it good for us on the basis of “we like it, therefore it’s good” and move on.
Meanwhile, make me a sweater with a Jack O Lantern or a kitty in a witch hat that keeps me cool. THAT will get my attention. “