“Another entry into the world of Wolverine. THIRTY entries to be exact.
You know, I think one of the problems with these huge editions is that you kind of lose track of the fact that this is about 2 1/2 years worth of comics. Which means it’s necessarily uneven. This one in particular starts great, but then we go to the nut house and Pete gets bored.
In honor of the 30 issues, I wanted to talk about my top 30 issues…WITH WOLVERINE!
1. So Wolverine had a mysterious past, which always haunted him. Now he remembers the past. Aaaaand it haunts him. The confusing thing, to me, is that I don’t understand the point of clearing up the past in order to have him feel the same way about it.
2. There’s always some asshole out there who tries to send guys after Wolverine who have claws like Wolverine. Enough. Cyclops shoots lasers FROM HIS GODDAMN EYES. Let’s think for a second which of those abilities would be better to power your super assassin.
3. What’s with Wolverine and the Asian stuff? There’s always something tangentially-related to Japan going on with this guy. I feel like it’s a holdover from the days when a man like me, a loser, a dolt, a pathetic worm, couldn’t just jump on a plane and be miserable being in Japan in just a few extremely long hours. Somehow Japan just doesn’t hold the same Mystique.
4. Related to that point, when did we start calling Mystique “Raven”? I could see it if she wanted to change her name to Sally. Or Jennifer. But why waste the time changing your name from Mystique just to make it something equally asinine?
5. We’re being constantly reminded that Wolverine’s healing factor means getting drunk is a big to-do. I would think he would have abandoned beers long ago in favor of funneling hard liquor into his…tighter quarters. I mean, do you want to drink booze or not?
6. Every time I see Wolverine in the future it seems like he’s lost at least one hand. I’m not completely sure how this happens, but I hope that he’s learned a lesson by now and is a little bit careful.
7. Specific to this collection, there’s a story about a guy who uses brains to somehow power a machine that does mind control stuff. I’m not a guy who needs an explanation for everything. I spent a few hours reading about a Canadian guy with retractable metal claws, so I’m pretty “on board” most times. But why a brain machine? Isn’t that like making a love machine powered by hearts? It’s sort of like the Batman movie where Mr. Freeze had a gun powered by diamonds. What an asshole. Could he have found a more coveted, hard-to-come-by fuel source? I have a machine that can turn a diamond into coldness as well. It’s called a divorce court. Boom!
8. Why is Wolverine always letting the X-Men dress him?
9. How come there isn’t a good Wolverine game yet? It would have all the great elements of great games. Stealth, cameos, non-stop murderous rage. It’s got it all!
10. I kind of feel like if I knew what a Wolverine was, I wouldn’t have been as impressed with the name right off.
11. I once received as a Christmas gift, a Wolverine set that came with a mask and a claw arm thingy. The claw arm was sort of like a hard plastic glove, and you would put it on over your hand. Of course, retractable claws were included. Unfortunately, you only got one claw, which was (to use the parlance of the time) bogus, AND my head was too big for the mask. But I kept it despite the fact that the very product was on the news because it was “dangerous” and “hazardous” to children. Which made sense to me because I was, after donning the mask with the aid of a safety pin to extend its strap, a killing machine. Anyway, they need to remake this set for the child of large head size and murderous ambitions.
12. I just learned that Wolverine has been known as Patch, Logan, and James. James! Seriously, no offense to anyone named James out there, but in a fair race between Patch, Wolverine, Weapon X, Logan, and James, I have to go with any of the other names.
13. Is there a reason he also has vampire teeth?
14. I wonder how many misguided elementary school reports have been done on wolverines in a misguided attempt to connect a boring project with something of interest. Excuse me, I excluded something there. Let me try again. I wonder how many misguided elementary school reports have been done BY ME on wolverines in a misguided attempt to connect a boring subject with something of interest.
15. Wouldn’t you think that by now these dum-dum bouncers and night club thugs would know about Wolverine and stop fucking with him? It seems like every other day some punk in some podunk is starting shit and then we cut to the next panel and he’s upside down in a garbage can. I know who Chuck Liddell is, and I don’t want to fight him, and he doesn’t even have half a dozen knives that pop out of his fists.
16. Where’e the issue where Rogue says, “Alright, enough of this bullshit. I’m taking you to get a goddamn decent haircut”?
17. If you are Wolverine and you go skydiving, do you bother to wear a parachute, and regardless, does this activity have any thrill without the danger of potential death?
18. If Wolverine were real, how long would it take before the market was flooded with As Seen On TV knives that mimicked Wolverine’s three claws and had names like “The Marmot”?
19. How come his emotions don’t heal? Why, god? Why?
20. Does Wolverine’s natural healing and whatnot keep him so ripped? Because I kind of like the idea of a Wolverine that’s chubby, but deadly. In fact, I’d like to see a whole team of heroes with guts and arm flab. Gone to Seed we could call it.
21. Sometimes I have to say that Wolverine is really only as entertaining as the side characters that are with him.
22. You’d think a guy with such hairy forearms would be down for some sleeves once in a while.
23. I just don’t understand ninjas. This dude has killed about 18 billion ninjas, and somehow they still swarm him. Is every ninja thinking that he’s The One, the ninja who will finally bring down Wolverine? Do they just not care? Do you become a ninja because you’re ready to die? Are most ninjas secretly old men and cancer patients, hence the full mask and frequent death?
24. Can Wolverine push harder and make his claws come out longer?
25. On Thanksgiving, when Professor X puts the turkey on the table, do all heads just slowly turn towards Wolverine?
26. Does Wolverine ever use a knife, the kind that a person holds in a hand, for any purpose? I would think he might prefer a serrated knife if he was cutting bread, but maybe I’m wrong here.
27. I bet an X-Man or two has gotten real fucked up because Wolverine came home drunk, fell asleep on the kitchen floor, and then the aforementioned X-Man stepped on him in the dark.
28. Can Wolverine get tattoos, or do they heal away?
29. His balls must be just awful.
30. It must be impossible for Wolverine to keep a nice pair of sunglasses. I break one every three months and I don’t have ninjas and space men attacking me. I mean, that almost never happens. So I can only imagine that it’s probably not even worth buying them anymore.”