So I went to a couple concerts last week and I got something to say.
I’m not a shy pisser. I can pee in front of anyone, anywhere. That’s not an issue for me, and though I don’t love rubbing elbows in the bathroom, I can do it.
What I don’t care for is the closeness of the urinals, which results in splash. You’re peeing, and you feel speckles of someone else’s pee on your hands and forearms. There’s no avoiding it. It’s like the part that proceeds a rainstorm, the part where you go Oh shit and assholes ask if you have in an umbrella here in the state where it rains for 18 seconds every nine weeks.
But the pee is more intense than that. I kid you not, you know how you go to a water park, and when you’re up next to go down the slide so you sit down and the jets of water are just dousing you from all sides? THAT’S what it feels like. Because do the math. One drop of pee is not equal to one drop of water. If I asked you to sip on an ounce of pee for the evening, it would feel different that if I asked you to sip on water.
A couple solutions:
1. Urinal dividers.
It’s kind of great when you go somewhere and see urinal dividers. Although the downside is that it makes you think, “Hey, how come this isn’t some kind of law? You don’t go a lot of places and see the shitter just up against the wall in the row of urinals, so why not fix it?” And then you’re a little ruined for public bathrooms after that.
2. Standardized space.
It’s simple. Measure the average splash radius, add four inches, make it a law. Some asshole can give you shit about smoking near a school, so I think it’s not out of line to work on something that keeps my hands from being sprinkled with a stranger’s piss. We’re talking about a whiff of smoke versus being peed on. Do the math on which one you would prefer. Better a life cut short by cancer than extended just to live as Mr. McPisshands.
3. Urinal design.
Urinals are designed to catch pee, but I don’t think they’ve put quite as much thought into containing it. Softer material? Angle the shit? I don’t know, but there’s gotta be something there.
I’m not asking for much. I’m asking to not have strangers pee on me by accident. If that’s happening, I need to get paid.