A Second Response to Spammers

Part of posting on your own web site is that you get spammers.  They’re a lot like the ones you get in email, the ones who promise you bigger penises or the vast riches of African princes, except they try to post their spam in the form of blog comments.  I guess they figure real human readers will say, “That comment seems insane and has nothing to do with the above contents.  I had better check out this person’s diet pill web site.”  Anyway, let’s have a looksie.  Oh, and most of the pertinent contact info has been removed.  If for some reason you want to contact, say, the rims guy, just let me know.

human drug insurance posts:  “Hey Annette, cool story bro!”

Annette?  Who the hell is Annette?  And how is Annette your bro?  I don’t know what’s going on here, but this is not the blog of your male friend Annette.  And how are these stories cool?  They are not cool.  They are a glimpse into a deep self-loathing so dark that not even light escapes its pull.  Not cool.

i like car rims writes: “Do you like car rims?”

Huh.  Well, I’d never really thought about it before.  I don’t run in circles where car rims are a topic of discussion, to be honest.  Replace the words “car rims” with “chocolate cigars after drinking” and I’ll talk your ear off.  I guess car rims are okay.  I wouldn’t say I like them more than any other car parts.  Isn’t it weird that rims got all this attention.  Why not, I don’t know, the hood?  How are there no pink tires yet?  And we spend all this time doing shit to the rims.  I don’t know.  I think maybe rims have gotten a little more than their due at this point.  If wheels are the feet of the car, tires of the shoes, and I guess that makes rims the socks.  Socks are fine, but I don’t think I would pay for them to be chrome.

Sell this doman at s**** says: “I can see that you are an expert at your field!  I am launching a web site soon, and your information will be very useful for me…Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success.”

Why thank you!  Although you should wish at least SOME of the success for yourself.  You’re going to need a lot of wishing if you’re launching a web site based on the information here.

Boats says: “The recommended viewing format of this cheat sheet is as a PDF rather than the traditional blog post (I found the blog posts inconvenient to print)… Boats”

I wouldn’t recommend printing this at all.  There is really no reason.  I’m not your boss, but even if I were and I caught you printing this web site, which I also am the boss of, I would fire you for wasting company time and supplies.  And then ask you to keep reading.  I am not a good boss, but there’s not much you can do about it.  Especially after the firing.

OccurroVog writes: “For the help please use http://www.google.com

Are you fucking kidding me right now?  You are actually telling me to use google?  Who the fuck is visiting THIS web site and doesn’t know about google?  How could you possibly comprehend a blog, then click to read the comments, and then use a link to get to google- how could you do all that and yet never hear of google?  I’m pretty sure that google IS the internet at this point.  The most realistic scenario I can conjure here is that a special needs class searching for articles to help them build snowmen become lost in the mire of these articles, only to be rescued by your link.  Like the Lawnmower Man.

Katelin Arrison says: “Hey guys, long story short. A couple weeks ago i saw a comment just like this 1 promoting a item called ******. I decided to visit the site and check the item out, i was amazed with it and signed up right away. So far i have made $2,512 in 3 weeks. I suggest you all check their website out, what have you got to lose? I GUARANTEE you’ll register with them after you watch their video… The method is just amazing for generating cash online and the potential money you can make from it is near infinite. Well worth researching…”

Well, Kaitlin, long story short, I get a ton of comments just like this one promoting a product called FUCK YOURSELF.  I decided to tell you GO FUCK YOURSELF and after only three weeks I hope you went and FUCKED YOURSELF.  I GUARANTEE that YOU should go watch their video and then go…you guessed it, FUCK YOURSELF.

You know what’s really fucking dumb about these?  If you could make a thousand dollars in seven seconds, why would you be wasting time telling me about it?  I’m telling everyone right now, if I figure out some way to make 4000 times what I make right now by sitting on the computer, you can all go FUCK YOURSELVES.  Until then, thanks for reading.  www.helpfulsnowman.com

Hillary Zogg writes: “Why have you taken out my post? It was very beneficial information and i assure atleast one person found it helpful unlike the rest of the comments on this website. I’ll post it again. Sick and tired of obtaining low numbers of useless traffic to your site? Well i want to let you know about a fresh underground tactic which makes myself $900 per day on 100% AUTOPILOT. I really could be here all day and going into detail but why dont you merely check their website out? There is a excellent video that explains everything. So if your seriously interested in producing hassle-free hard cash this is the website for you.”

Hey, fuck you lady!  Zogg?  Are you a person or a bad guy from Ghostbusters?  First of all, you were right to automatically assume I would take down your first comment, which was this one.  But secondly, the slam on the other comments were totally unnecessary.  These are my people, and they want to know how I feel about rims, goddamn it.