Pete Weighs in on History’s Great Debates

Did FDR Know About the Attack on Pearl Harbor Ahead of Time?

 

It seems to me that No, he didn’t.  Remember, this was a time before we had the same level of communication we had now.  Other war-time events, such as D-Day, could never have been planned on the scale they were without raising awareness today.

            After examining the evidence, I would also say that FDR could have “gotten wind” of the attack shortly before and thereby allowed the folks at Pearl Harbor a chance to mount some kind of defense, causing a stir, but preventing such a large loss of life.

            Also, after examining the evidence, Ben Affleck should be in more shit.

Is Bigfoot real?

 

I think the core question here is, “Do you even care to live in a world without a Bigfoot?”

Was there a second shooter at the Kennedy assassination thing?

 

I started by reviewing that footage.  First of all, gross.  Second, when I inevitably die by stumbling drunk and falling in a construction pit or off a balcony, I really hope that nobody has good footage of it that any American can just watch over and over.

            Based on what I saw in the footage, the answer is I don’t give a shit.  Fuck it, even if there was another dude he’s either dead or so old that he’s not much of a threat.

            And let’s be serious, did anyone really want to see a bald JFK?  Ted lived quite a while, and look what happened to his fucking head.  It’s like his head is made out of that material that grows 4000% when you leave it in water, and he’s been sleeping with his head in a bird bath.

Did Betsy Ross really sew the first American flag?

Throughout history we see a lot of people show up to sort of personify a movement, take credit for the very beginning of one thing or another.  Sort of the way we have Daniel Boone, or Count Chocula.  Is Betsy Ross one of these charlatans?

            If you look back at pictures, Ross appears as an average, bonneted woman from the 1700’s, which makes me suspect that she was involved.  Only someone that boring who had no fashion sense and wore a bonnet could come up with such a boring flag.  Have you guys seen the fucking Mexican flag?  There’s a goddamn snake fighting an eagle on there.  That shit is awesome.  And we get stars?  Like from space?  Wow, how creative and indicative of America, especially since stars are only visible from any spot on the planet.  But maybe she knew we would be the first ones to bust our moon cherry, which brings us to…

Was the Moon Landing Real?

There are whackjobs out there who think the moon landing is fake.  I don’t call them whackjobs for thinking that.  I call them whackjobs for wasting time thinking about the moon.  Seriously, who gives a shit?  It’s the moon, not a casino, so leave it alone.

            What I don’t understand is why someone would fake a moon landing.  This isn’t faking something in order to move on, like faking an orgasm so that you can just go to sleep (which is especially odd when you do it to yourself while masturbating).  They went back to the moon like 400 times, so what’s the point in faking the first one?

            To beat the Russians?  Sigh…America really picks the worst enemies.  Russia, still decimated by World War II, a gigantic country that is in large part a frozen wasteland?  Really?  And now Iraq?  We shouldn’t even know what an Iraq is.  The only time you should hear someone say the sound “Iraq” is when they’re from the midwest and follow it up with “Z.”

            I think the moon landing was real.  If all we cared about was beating the Russians, then how come we weren’t working on a ship and also working on a missile to shoot down their ship?  That seems easier to me. 

Was a cow really responsible for the Great Chicago Fire?

The rumor goes that some cow knocked over a lantern and started the fire.  I guess you could say that makes the cow responsible, but if you drop a couple handguns in a crib and a baby shoots itself in the stomach, can you really hold the baby responsible?

            Whether its true or not, the real responsibility lies with the firefighters of the time.  How could you not cover that up?  It makes you guys look stupid.  Your city was almost destroyed by a cow.  Next time, just use one of these pre-prepared lies/diversionary tactics:

A: The fire was started by a man who fell asleep smoking in bed.  Which is why we need to discuss smoking in this society…

B:  The fire was started when a celebrity was engaged in an affair with a non-celebrity and his non-celebrity wife found out about it.  Not necessarily as a direct result, but it did happen at around the same time-ish.

What the hell happened to Amelia Earheart?

I don’t understand how you get lost in a fucking plane.  This was the old times, so she was probably only 30 feet above the ground.  On the other hand, I guess the motor was probably something that landscape dudes strap on their backs to blow leaves away from the house.  Fuck those things, by the way.  If you’re just blowing the shit around, why are you even there?  Isn’t that already accomplished by the planet?  That’s why we use a vacuum in our homes instead of some crazy fucking air shooter that just blows all the crap all over the house.  And could they be any louder?  Why is it illegal to drive a car with no muffler, but as long as the engine is strapped directly onto a man you can just go wild?  And how do we have this technology and still no jetpack?  It’s 90% there.  You’ve got thrust, you’ve got a motor, you’ve got it in backpack form.  What is the missing step that turns this into something useful instead of something that gives a dummy a job?