What the hell is going on with these computer updates?
Every couple days or so my computer tells me it NEEDS updates, which I immediately ignore. But it’s so fucking important to the computer that it has tricks to make you do updates anyway. I’ll walk away from the goddamn thing to go eat a hot dog or eat two hot dogs, and when I come back there’s this countdown going and the computer is going to shut itself off. Shut ITSELF off. When did this shitty laptop become Skynet? I wasn’t aware that the sentient machine that caused the downfall of man was made out of terrible plastic and had weak screen hinges.
Or I’ll go to shut the thing down, and when I click the shutdown button the first option that pops up, which is usually Shut Down, has been replaced with Install Updates and Shut Down. Trickery!
Why does this machine want to do these updates so fucking bad? Not once have the updates gone through and I thought, “Hey, this is much better. Thanks, Microsoft!” Has anyone ever seen a noticeable difference in a Windows update? How come I don’t do updates and come back with more fonts, or more colors on the color palette? Couldn’t they at least throw in some of that shit so I would feel like something was happening? A couple more background options, a new sound effect, a purple cursor? Something?
Meanwhile, I’m seeing weird black screens with white writing that I should never see, ever. It’s like seeing the inner workings of a human digestive tract. I’m comfortable with it so long as it works, and I don’t really need the “back lot tour.”
Updates I Would Like:
-Update that blasts Milano crumbs out of my keyboard.
-Update that makes the computer less warm so the fan isn’t deafening. This thing sounds like my grandfather on a respirator.
-Update that makes spell check know the difference between quiet and quite.
Updates I Seem to Be Getting:
-Update that makes me stare at a fucking blue screen that tells me an alleged percentage of the update that’s installed. All these screens and progress bars are fucking maddening. You’ll be at zero percent for three minutes, then the next forty percent shoots across the bar in the blink of an eye, then another two hours for the last sixty percent. What’s the point of a fucking progress bar if the squares or percentages have no correlation with the amount of time I expect to spend? They’re like all my relationships: utterly meaningless.
-Update that makes my battery work again somehow. What’s up with these things? They’re good for like three days. And people are always trying to give you tips, but they’re impossible to follow. Like always draining your battery all the way. That’s dumb. That’s not very convenient and convenience is sort of the point here. How about we either make a decent battery or a huge container on the side for D-cells like my old boombox.
Fuck updates. I encourage everyone to stop doing that. You know what an update is? Buying a new computer.