Ah, sports. Nothing to make it all worthwhile like a shitty cup made out of metal. But we love our shiny metal cups, so let’s take a closer look and see if we can’t learn anything more about them than the previously mentioned shiny and metal.
Ah, the Super Bowl trophy. By the way, the official name is the Vince Lombardi trophy, but you don’t get it for being the best guy towards Vince Lombardi. What if someone came up with a trophy for best performance of fellatio on a rhino and attached your name to it? Just because you may have been involved in it in life does not mean you want your name attached to it forever.
Is it just me, or does this thing scream Terminator 2? I feel like it’s going to spring to life at any moment. I know I mentioned shiny a couple times above, but this fucking thing is out of hand. How do they get it that shiny?
The other problem with this trophy is that it makes me dream of a world where football is played with metal footballs. It’s insane, but what a paradise.
NBA trophy. This brings back a distinct memory of Michael Jordan’s veiny head.
Why is the ball falling in a popcorn bucket? And is that bucket even big enough to accept the ball? If not, that would make for a very cruel game.
Oh wait, you can just barely make out net lines etched into the side of the popcorn bucket. So that’s a net? Why not just make it a net. I know you can make metal nets. I’ve seen them made out of chain on basketball courts in neighborhoods where I was not welcome.
This thing looks a little top-heavy. Maybe it’s weighted in the bottom or something. But I’d be afraid to have it around the house.
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So I guess the World Cup guys got H.R. Geiger to design their thing. Seriously, what the hell is this? A sea monster destroying Earth? It looks like a terrible webbed hand crushing everything you’ve ever known or loved.
And is this the World Cup? It doesn’t look like any sort of cup I’ve ever seen. Where does the booze go? Even a wine glass is more of a cup than this thing, and those things are bullshit.
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World Series Trophy. What a piece of junk. Doesn’t this thing just look wobbly? It looks wobbly. And the flags and the crown. Way too busy, way too much going on.
If someone offered me this trophy I would kill myself.
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This golf trophy is actually pretty fitting. It looks like a good dish for holding hard candy or the ashes of a favorite family slave, both things that golf players are interested in.
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Stanley Cup.
First, is this a trophy or a novel? Who the hell is reading all that crap?
And there’s no way I’m drinking out of that. After all those other hockey dudes? What percentage of hockey dudes have an open wound in their mouth when they drink from the Stanley Cup? 100? I’m going with 100.
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