Okay, let me look at my dance card here and see what I’m up against.
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Okay, “Ryu” is up first, huh? He doesn’t look so tough. Says here…karate master…trains hard…shoots FIREBALLS FROM HANDS? As in, fireballs that will light my clothing and body on fire? Is that allowed? Can he only do it, like, 3 times a round or something? He can do it as much as he wants? Shit. Well, alright. Hopefully he doesn’t fight cheap and does more than one move. I hate when a guy does that.
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And who is this asshole? He looks just like the other guy. He’s just like him except shittier? And blonde? He doesn’t have a headband either, so that’s strike three right there. Wait, his name is Ken? Haha, what an asshole. Ken? Really? Okay, and after that I’ll fight Barbie and G.I. Joe.
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…oh. Is his hair fries? I think it might be fries. And I have to fight this guy on a runway? Right on the tarmac? That seems a little dangerous. Couldn’t we just fight in a gym or something? Huh? What do you mean, “There will be hot babes and guys drinking while they watch”? Where are the hot babes coming from? Does he have a gun? I’m not fighting him if he has a gun. Although, I guess I already agreed to fight a guy who shoots fireballs bigger than my head, so maybe gun’s not so bad. Do you think we could call that Ryu guy and see if he would use a gun instead of fireballs? It couldn’t hurt to ask, right?
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Is there a particular reason this guy is wearing a towel and no shirt? He clearly did his hair and makeup, so maybe he has time to throw on a tee before we fight? Do people from Japan wear underwear. Just curious. Actually, no, not just curious. I need to know.
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Okay, no. First off, are those actively bleeding cuts all over this motherfucker? I’m not fighting a guy with open wounds. And this asshole has a hundred! And again, the Speedo thing. I can see his whole cock. That’s really not necessary. Could you also buy him some boots that fit? His calves looked really jammed in there. Christ, it’s like someone tried to ram a baked potato in a condom.
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Yes.
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This is a real bringdown after the last one. Are his pants a garbage sack tied with rope? I don’t know if I can fight someone who all white eyes. That’s problematic for me. Also, this man does not look healthy. Is this guy India’s best fighter or is this just a grownup Slumdog. I really don’t want to travel all the way to India just to beat the shit out of a bum. I can do that here and not be afraid they’re going to try and pull my heart out.
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What the fuck is this? How do you plan on getting this thing to the fight? Is he just going to pull my head off my body? Because I feel like he’s just going to pull my head off of my body. And how is this South America’s fighter? Freaks belong to the world, damnit. Pointing and laughing is the universal language.
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Can we just review?
I fight two karate masters, a Chinese babe, a Argentinian bigfoot, a bleeding Russian in a Speedo, an Army guy, a ripped Asian with thighs that don’t fit in the waist of my pants- I do all that and then, only THEN do I earn the right to fight Mike Tyson? Is he out of his fucking mind? Why is he wearing boxing gloves? That’s just going to soften the blow. Shouldn’t he get brass knuckles or spikes or something? Even the Chinese girl had spikes. Christ, whatever. I’ll hurry up and whip his ass so he can get back to alternating between rape and playing himself in bro comedies.
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Why is Jason wearing a Wolverine claw? That doesn’t seem very fair. Do I get something? A spear? Harpoon? How come all of a sudden it’s okay to bring a giant knife to the table? And a Jason mask. Alright, here’s the deal: He can have the mask OR the claw, but not both. I won’t stand for both. And the ponytail’s got to go. Oh, and get this motherfucker some shoes that aren’t loafers. They look like the shoes Paul Revere wore.
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Whatever surgeon fucked up a heart surgery so bad that it left that scar NEEDS to be sued. That’s not right.
Uh, just need to clarify one thing. “Sagat” as in rhymes with “Forgot,” or “Sagat” as in rhymes with “F-”
You know what, nevermind. I’ll just call him Mr. Goldstein and let him introduce himself if it comes down to it.
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Ah, so this is the last guy. He doesn’t look so tough. I think his outfit could use a cape, though. What? He wears a cape but casts it to the side at the beginning of the fight? That’s pretty fucking awesome. I would like to do that as well.
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Sweet, so that’s it. What’s the next fighting tournament?
Alright, well, fuck that…