Write a letter to people that film remakes of ’70s b-movies which are too slick, trying too hard, and/or are unfunny.
Dear Those Guys,
This might take a second, so stay with me.
Did you ever have one of those Batman toys when you were little? You know, the one every damn kid had where it was the basic Batman with a detachable (lost immediately) cape and the belt buckle that extended on a retractable cord? It was awesome, right?
Let me explain to you why it was awesome.
It was awesome because it was simple, just a little bit shitty, and because it was the best thing around at the time. It was shitty, yet you felt like the toy company was sort of trying.
Now let me ask you another question. Did you ever have another Batman? Maybe one with Freeze Armor or Dive Action Gear or Jungle Camouflage? It wasn’t as charming, was it? Ideally you would have a separate Batman for each thing, one water Batman, ice Batman, Gorilla Suit Batman, whatever. But you didn’t because what fucking parent in their right mind was buying that many Batmans? Nope, you got the Batman you got, and if that meant he was fighting the Penguin in a weird jetpack suit, then so be it.
You, filmmakers, are the shittier Batmen disguised as improved Batmen. You have more shit to work with, you’re shinier, but you really don’t cut it and the biggest effect you have is to remind us of our enjoyment of the original.
Makers of Death Race, don’t you understand the appeal of the original Death Race 2000? Didn’t you notice that we didn’t have to waste a goddamn hour setting up a reason for people to drive like their balls were on fire and water was 80 miles away? Did it seem odd to you that we left out all the shit about how unfair prison is, and how black people and white people don’t get along, and how we didn’t have all these idiotic side characters that aren’t busy running down old women?
Makers of the A-Team, didn’t you ever notice that the original A-Team had Mr-Fucking-T on it? Seriously, who were you going to get to be Mr. T? You wouldn’t do a Webster remake with just some random black kid, would you? Fuck no. Webster is Webster, and the television show Webster dies when that kidman dies of something, because god knows he must have fucked up organs. Same deal, the A-Team dies when Mr. T retires the chains or shows up on a commercial for World of Warcraft.
Remakers of horror movies, how is it that you feel like you can give us almost shot-for-shot remakes with a little less blood, a little more of jerkoffs springing out of closets holding moose heads, and NO BOOBS. Every goddamn R-rated horror movie made between 1980 and 1993 had at least one, but more often two, boobs in it. Sure, sometimes the part of the woman that’s not the boobs is impaled with a piece of rebar only moments later, but this is why pencils have erasers, and huffing duster is like the eraser if my brain is the…pencil? Paper? Aw, who cares. The point is, let’s get a little more horror. Also, Jessica Biel has a nice torso and everything, but if it’s the most nude part of a movie, count me out. I shouldn’t be watching a movie called Texas Chainsaw Massacreand seeing less Biel than I did in a movie called Stealth where a jet comes to life. Fuck you.
Miami Vice? Fuck that movie forever. I have no stake in the original, but fuck that shit. Colin Ferrel is pretty and all, but that doesn’t mean he should act. People, this is the 2000’s. We have access to an unlimited number of nude people online, so let’s stop obsessing over pretty people who aren’t getting nude. If you were dating someone who refused to get nude for without being offered a couple mil, wouldn’t you break up? Same thing. Break off your fake relationship with these worthless non-nudes and start getting the real stuff. It’s not as pretty sometimes, but it’s honest, dammit.
Finally, if you remake Ghostbusters, there better be superior jokes, NON-COMPUTER shitty effects, and (apparently, according to all the above) lots of nude scenes. Oh, and fuck you for even considering it. You don’t disassemble a ¼-Lb Double-Stack from Wendy’s and then put it back together with what you consider to be superior meat, a more realisitc-looking bun, and onions that seem to rise and come at you in 3-D. It’s perfect as-is, so leave it the fuck alone.
Best,
Helpful Snowman