Please write a letter to my ISP that always lies about how their service sucks and they need to get their shit handled.
Thanks
Dylan
Dear ISP..TALAHTSSATNTGTSH,
You offer us the world, huh? Or at least that’s what you’re always telling me in the little card I get in the mail EVERY GODDAMN DAY. Have your rates changed since fucking yesterday? No? Then leave me the hell alone! Maybe you could offer more savings if you didn’t waste all your income sending me card after card. What, do you think I’m going to wear down? Ask #1 China Buffet. They leave goddamn cards on my door all the time, and I’m not going there even if all of China explodes and it’s the only place left to see someone Chinese.
And enough with the bundle bullshit. I’m not getting internet, cable, electricity, phone, laundry detergent, blind date suggestions, and all that other shit you keep asking me about. People are dumb, I’ll give you that. But the whole, “Spend more, increase the savings” pitch is fucking worthless. I am not a math expert, but I know that when a bill changes from $49.99 to $59.99 I am spending more money than I was previously. That’s just goddamn insulting.
But hey, sometimes it’s worth it. What else are you going to do? So you buy the bundle, stay in your house, and maybe it gives you another 15 minutes a day where you don’t think about killing yourself. Sure, now you’re locked into a rate structure involving mega-somethings that you don’t understand and giga-somethings you’ve never even heard of, but everything is okay as long as you don’t think.
Then the service goes out.
This is a big fucking problem.
Let me put this in terms you will better understand.
You’re used to fucking people all the time. So let’s say you’re a hooker. You’re fucking someone, and then you just get up in the middle and leave. You owe that motherfucker some money back. Maybe not ALL the money, but definitely SOME. So if you’re service goes out in the middle of me using it, I should get some of my money back. Maybe not all, but some. And you calling me later to say, “Hey, I know you wanted to bang earlier because that’s when you had time and picked me up, but I didn’t want to then. I’m available now. I might be available now. The important thing is that I wasn’t available when you needed me, but I’m available now for an unknown length of time” doesn’t fix things. Let’s get that money back.
I’m not stupid enough to think that will ever happen. You’re a bunch of soulless fucking assholes who don’t even have the decency to let a guy at least finish by jerking off in your hair. You just get up and leave. But you could at least do something about it.
Oh, and this is nothing against the Indian people, who I am sure are wonderful in their own way, but that way has nothing to do with supporting my tech. Maybe the tech guy is a fucking computer genius answering my call from a Stephen Hawking chair he made himself out of old plastic bottles and shit, but if I can’t understand him it does me no good. Rhinos might be fucking awesome at Donkey Kong, but if they can’t communicate it to me in any way, they’re fucking worthless to me and I wish we would just let Rhinos and Hippos fight it out because I really don’t need to see both. It takes forty hours to walk through a goddamn zoo, and the last thing I need is reruns of animals. And would it kill you to construct a linear fucking zoo? Why do I have to be lost in a jungle of shitty planters and bizarre rental strollers and peacocks walking around so they can die from eating popcorn? Just put the animals in a line.
Somehow you sure seem to have everything good to go when I’m ready to make a payment. Weird how that works. When it’s bill settling time I talk to a lady who sounds like she won some midwestern beauty pageant, but only because she’s hard as fuck and shattered a judge’s kneecap with her baton, which she also used for her talent portion.
Just charge for what you actually do, that’s all I ask. I know there’s four-hundred pages of fine-print, but fuck that shit. My father had a saying, “When someone pays you to do a job, you do it. Drunk.” So get drunk, loosen those ties, and get to fucking work.
Best,
Helpful Snowman