You guys seem to be doing alright. People buy your shit and then other people steal it from work all the time, so I guess it must be desirable. But all your success had made you lazy and you’ve stopped improving your designs. I have some helpful(snowman.com) hints for you:
Is there some way you could make electronic pencil sharpeners and louder and shittier? I mean, come on, it sounds like you have an entire jet engine under the desk that engages when you stick a pencil in that little hole. And I don’t think it does anything. The pencil comes out different, but I wouldn’t call it sharp. Are you aware of other devices that have become electronic and how much better they are? Do I need to give someone Monopoly and then a Nintendo DS so that they can fucking understand what’s going on here?
Second, how about we quit getting cute with the fucking paperclips. I need something to hold papers together, not to attach some stupid ladybug to a stack of papers because I really think that will brighten someone’s day. It will not. If someone puts a ladybug paperclip on my papers, I send them back, but held together by a live scorpion.
Next, Post-Its. What happened to the creamy yellow ones? Why are these things so fucking neon that you can’t look at them without getting vertigo? I can see the goddamn note, okay? I’m not using it to tag a tree to find my way home in a wilderness survival situation, I’m putting a note on something else that’s not a note. And knock it off with the fucking accordion style pads where the sticky part is one side and then the other. That’s just madness. Why the fuck would you create something that has a different top or up side every time you use it? Assholes!
These staplers are shit, too. They never work right. And whatever company it is that makes those dumb fucking staples with the arch in the middle, fuck you. That shit is annoying. They are .0000001 cents worth of metal, they don’t need to be special.
Finally, the 3-hole punch. For the love of god, do something to better capture these holes. You can’t vacuum them up with a normal human vacuum, they stick to everything, and when one explodes you might as well close your office and demolish the building because you’re never getting those fuckers back where they belong.
Hope these help,
Helpful Snowman