I know what you did. Not cool.
You made Super Mario Bros, which was great. And then you sent over Super Mario Bros. 2, which was also pretty great. But then, years later you release Super Mario All-Stars, a Super Nintendo game that featured all the Mario games up to that point. And as a bonus, Super Mario Bros: the Lost Levels.
Oh, rad. A new game!
But then you play it and it’s almost exactly like the original Mario Bros. And if you’re like me, you initiate a very serious investigation. Into a Nintendo game.
Turns out, the “Lost Levels” game was actually the original Super Mario Bros. 2, but that version was only released in Japan. That’s bad enough, repackaging a game that’s ten years old to try and trick us. But then get this, the reason it wasn’t released in America? You thought it was too hard for Americans.
Japan, what the fuck? I know we suck at video games, I know we have no desire to finish all of the Resident Evil games using only the knife, but you should at least give us a chance.
How would you feel if we sent over McDonald’s, but a healthier version? “These people are used to eating rice and fish, so they can’t handle a Big Mac.” You’d be pissed off. Maybe it would save you a night of lying on whatever kind of beds you sleep on over there, sweating so much that you wake up and can’t tell if you sweated all in your ass crack or diahrrahae d a little, but that’s why we are awesome. We give you a choice. You want to fill a pair of track pants with liquid shit? Well, in America, you can. Just tie up the ends, pull the drawstring at the top, and fling them out of your car on the highway. America, motherfuckers.
I believe in second chances, so much so that I would like to offer you a second chance in spite of you not offering a second Mario. As atonement, you will all be forced to play an Excitebike track of my making. Hope you enjoy humps more endless than that Fergie song.
Best,
Helpful Snowman