Dear HelpfulSnowman,
Please write a really really sarcastic blog about comments/responses one could make regarding ignorant conversation about food/weight comments.
I should point out that this suggestion came in independently of yesterday’s suggestion regarding diet pills. Who knew that controversy was all about weight loss and diet regimens as opposed to the Legend of Zelda and complaining about restaurants?
Funny I should mention that.
Once I was at a place called Old C’s. After 10 PM, they have mini pizzas. These are for eating. I know that sounds dumb, but it’s important for later. Oftentimes I’ll go there with friends to celebrate something they have to celebrate about and rub my shitty face in.
At one of these occasions, I ordered three mini pizzas. Now, these aren’t tiny, but not huge. I wouldn’t say that the average order is three, but the average order is one or two, so I’m not exactly auditioning for Man vs. Food here. But you wouldn’t know it from the fucking waitress. No less than five times she must have commented on how she didn’t think she’d EVER seen someone eat three, and when she brought them to the table she kept saying how shocked she would be if I finished all three. I don’t really have issues with food, and in fact I think my issues with waitresses far outweigh my issues with just about anything else on the planet. But by the end of the night, I’d heard plenty.
Of all the things I could have done, I wish I’d ordered another one. That strikes me as the funniest thing I could have done.
What we’re really talking about here is what the French call “the spirit of the staircase,” what you wish you would have said but only hit on when you were already descending the front steps. We all come up with the perfect thing to say an hour too late.
There are two things you can do to stop someone in their tracks and avoid the spirit of the staircase:
1. Escalate early. You call the shots when someone says, “Are you really getting dessert?” and you say, “How about you fuck off?” It’s like getting punched in the stomach. When you know it’s coming, you can get ready for it. But when it’s a sucker punch, BOOM.
2. What you really need is ammo in the pipe that you’re ready to fire off at the first sign of trouble. So I suggest any of these preloaded statements designed to hurt others.
For the fellas:
“Fuck you, bald-o.”
Trust me, every man over 22 either thinks he’s balding or is balding, and usually they don’t like to be called on it. It’s like you saw through them and to one of their innermost fears.
“Ma’am? MA’AM?”
I don’t know why, but escalating Ma’am’s right to a dude’s face never fails. Especially effective if you’re a convincing enough actor to make the guy wonder if you actually thought he was a woman.
For the ladies:
“Yeah? Nice fucking jeans.”
Hit ’em where it hurts. Every time they put on that pair of jeans, they’ll be thinking about what you said. Killing someone’s moment sucks, but killing someone’s favorite pair of jeans is a personal holocaust.
“Thanks for the advice, you piece of shit. This is probably why your dad left.”
Any lady who is used to making shitty comments is used to hearing bitch and maybe the occasional cunt. But “piece of shit” is unusual. And maybe she has a dad, but let’s play the odds in today’s society. Statistics are on your side here.
This also comes into one of my bigger plans. If you’re in a situation where you don’t know what to say, just text hlpfulsnwmn to 3784638. I’ll charge you eight to forty bucks and get back to you with a slam that couldn’t possibly be worth that much. You’re welcome.