For the next five days I’m proud to present topics suggested by readers.
Today’s topic: The Comic Store Lady
This one requires a little backstory.
Some people say that Amazon and eBay were bad for the world of collecting comics. They miss the hunt, and in the olden days you had to work hard to get what you wanted. It wasn’t just available to the person who had the cash. I don’t agree with these people. The hunt was nice, but the caliber of people you met was a little on the low side.
For example, you would see a lot of the same people at local comic conventions. There was the guy with the shitty mustache and serial killer glasses frames who spent about equal time selling comics and yelling at his kids. You knew it was probably one of those things where his wife thought it would be fun for him to take the kids to a comicon, so he did, and he spent the rest of the day paying for it by shouting “Don’t touch that!” 40,000 times and then being silently thankful when they ran off to harass another booth.
There was also the guy in the homemade Spawn costume. It was a pretty great costume, to be honest. But what wasn’t so great is that the costume was so hot that the dude spent most of his time sitting on a bench, not wearing the mask, and sweating his ass off. It kind of kills the mood. I don’t remember many Spawn comics where the dude takes off his mask and tries to catch his breath for 20 minutes.
And there was always, ALWAYS someone who smelled like shit. This is the kind of body odor that isn’t just from bad hygiene. This is no hygiene whatsoever. The dude had eighty bucks to spend on comics and not one cent to spend on Irish Spring. Jesus, just bring a plastic bag and empty the liquid soap from the dispenser at a restaurant. Do something!
Suffice to say, I do not miss the people. This includes many of the people who worked at the comic stores, especially Mile High.
Mile High comics was sort of the best and the worst comic shop on the planet. They had everything, but they jacked up the prices like they were motherfucking Darkseid. It was one of those places that almost hates its customers. If you’ve ever stayed at a W hotel, you know what I mean.
My bestest buddy went in there once to try and sell some action figures. They weren’t anything special, just some X-Men figures, in boxes, that he didn’t really want. The conversation he had with the lady at the counter went something like this:
“I wanted to come and sell these figures.”
[lady looks them over for-fucking-ever]
“Okay. These look pretty good. How much do you want for them?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never sold anything like this. How much is a good price?”
“Just make me an offer.”
“I really don’t know.”
“Just make an offer.”
“I don’t know…[totally reasonable price]”
[lady laughs hysterically]
“Are you kidding? They aren’t worth near that much.”
Let’s stop right there. What the fuck? When you ask someone to make a guess, and they come back at you with, “I really don’t know” you don’t get to laugh your ass off when they make a bad guess. You couldn’t help at all? Say SOMETHING?
So, this goes out to that horrible bitch who thinks she’s better than 15 year-olds looking to sell X-Men figures: Fuck you. I know you probably don’t have internet access because, based on that fact that you were working in a comic store and didn’t appear to like comics, but Fuck You through internet power anyway.
I know this thing is very comics-heavy, so I’ll give everyone an example.
Let’s we were taking a road trip together. We’re talking about how to divide the driving. I ask you when you want to switch, and you say you really don’t know. Then I say, Just give me an idea. You say you don’t know because you don’t know how tired I am or how far the trip is in total. You know dick. I say, Make me an offer. You say, Fine. Let’s switch in two hours.
TWO HOURS? ARE YOU RETARDED? I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ASSHOLE WOULD EVEN SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE THAT? GODDAMN, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT BEING A HUMAN BEING, YOU CLASSLESS FUCK!
That’s what it’s like.
So, in conclusion, I hope that woman is burning in hell, possibly with at least one of that convention guy’s kids.