This weekend is Mother’s Day. If you are like me, you never know what to get your mom for Mother’s Day. If she tells you she wants something, it’ll be some bullshit like a vacuum. I’m not buying my mom a vacuum! She can buy her own chores-y shit. If my mom wants a Nerf gun, sure, yes, I’m in. A parachute? Uh, I guess. Little nervous, but what the hell. But a vacuum? Hell to the no.
And if your mom doesn’t tell you what she wants, you just have to get her SOMETHING because, I mean, what, you don’t give a crap about your mom? That’s lousy, man. You know all the other moms will be talking up the stuff their kids got for them, and your mom will be sitting there like a single lady on Valentine’s, crying into a bouquet of flowers she bought herself, pretending her eyes are all puffy and shit because she’s allergic. But she’s not allergic to flowers, fool, she’s allergic to not being loved!
All this to say you COULD give your mom one of my books, FREE. Or a bunch of them. Because this weekend, they’re all free, all the newest shit.
Let’s break this down real quick so you can pick the best option for your mamma jamma:
Harold’s Coming: This is the story about a magic Where’s Waldo book that acts as a marital aid. Hey, I don’t know, maybe your mom is a freak in the bedroom. And maybe you know that for some reason. I really have no problem with moms who like to get down (my internet history proves this to an extreme degree), but it’s a little weird to talk to your kids about.
Misogynsit Baby: A great picture book for moms out there who want to crush the patriarchy? Smash it? I don’t know which word everyone is using, but whatever, you get the drift.
A Letter on a Letter: Is your mom really interested in a discussion of intellectual freedom? I know mine isn’t! But my mom isn’t everyone’s mom. If that were true, all of my relationships would be very problematic.
The Heist-Est Heist Ever Heisted: A Heist Story of a Heist: Special Editor’s Edition: Your mom loves Ocean’s 11, right? Maybe she’s into George Clooney, or Matt Damon, or Elliott Gould. That movie’s got a guy for everyone. I’m told the “11” in the title stands for your mom’s two erect nipples. Anyway, this is also a story of a heist, but it features vomit and poop. So again, if mom is freaky…
My Mother’s Silver Bowl: Oh, this is a mom thing! Just in time for mother’s day! How exciting. This short lil story is about a lady who melts her face off and then makes a career out of it. Eh?
Look, get yourself a book this weekend, get one for a mom, get one for a friend. Whatever, I don’t care.
Oh, but don’t get one for your spouse. I’m against parents celebrating mother’s/father’s day with each other. You already have a birthday and an anniversary. Isn’t that quite enough? Give it a rest, be an adult. Although, if you have a baby mama/papa who’s out of the picture, send them one of these books. It will be baffling and confusing, and only vaguely threatening in a non-actionable way.
Starting Saturday, free shit. All I ask in exchange is that you provide a fair review and that you say it’s a fair review provided in exchange for a copy. Unless it’s a lousy review, like 2 stars or less. Then you probably don’t need that disclaimer, right? I’ll assume you weren’t provided a free copy of a book and then were coerced into giving a shitty review to a book you enjoyed. A shitty review is almost always honest, right?
Besides, if you give me a lousy review, instead of putting it on Amazon or Goodreads, you can just put it in your butt!