As our annual feature, we at helpfulsnowman.com would like to make a strong Halloween costume suggestion.
We have lots of costumes based on everyday things, but sexy. You’ll have someone dressed as, say a sexy cop. In my lifetime, I have not once seen a sexy cop. I have not seen a cop that, if they presented themselves in the nude, I wouldn’t immediately shoot myself in the head just to erase the image forever. Nonetheless, you will see someone in fishnets, short shorts, and a weir, fake-looking cop uniform. Another example: Sexy nurse. I’m sure they’re out there, but I think the number of people dressed in sexy nurse costumes on Halloween outweighs the number of actual nurses who are smoking hot. My bet is that the kid from Johnny Got His Gun would probably be thankful he was blinded. Who decided that sexy nurses would be a good thing, anyway? You fell off a goddamn ladder, your leg is busted in half, and you haven’t showered in eight days. You’re laid up, and when you push that call button because you have to take a shit, does it really make a huge difference that a hot babe comes running in? That said, you will see hot nurses this Halloween.
So, how do we stop this? How do we stop adding a weird sex appeal to things that are not sexy? The answer, this year and every year:
Sexy Hitler.
You dress in thigh-highs and a revealing Nazi shirt, unbuttoned just so. You throw on a hat and paint a little rectangle mustache, and Uberraschung! You’re Sexy Hitler.
All it would take is a handful of Sexy Hitlers to make us all reconsider applying that sex magic to everything under the goddamn sun. Think about it. And remember: Alles Gute zum Halloween!