When someone asked me to come up with some good places to get married, I thought, Yes. I am the right person for this job. As a guy who dislikes god, tuxedos, and commitment with almost equal levels of passion, this seemed like a good fit. Just keep in mind that this is your special day and nobody can tell you how to do it right. Except me. 6 times!
1. On the set of American Gladiators
Do you remember the days when people had to do quests? Before you could rescue a member of a royal family you had to do a bunch of stupid obstacles and make a boat out of gold and some other dumb shit? Well, it’s a good thing we don’t do that today because the closest thing I’ve had to a quest is quitting on Zelda: a Link to the Past in the fifth castle. I don’t know what kind of princess I earned through all that hard work, but I’m guessing she might need some remedial math courses and a good deal of eyebrow maintenance.
But if you’re set on getting married, why not make sure your partner is in? Have them tackled by Turbo about 400 times and see if they’re still interested. And they don’t call it “the Eliminator” for nothing, especially when you pit your spouse-to-be against that one “friend” who has been circling like a vulture, waiting for an opportunity to sweep you off your confused, in a dark place feet.
Plus, what better way to show your patriotism than red white and blue and ladies with bikini bottoms, the sides of which go all the way up their top ribs?
The actual marrying part happens on the joust podiums. Just you and your sweetie. And instead of the bland, tired thing where you shove cake in someone’s face, you knock them off a podium and 30 feet to the ground.
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2. GWAR concert
Ah, GWAR. You might remember them from their brief appearance in the movie Empire Records:
But if you don’t, that’s okay. The point is, these fellows know how to put on a show. And what is a wedding really besides a big show? Okay, the typical wedding doesn’t involve decapitations, Hitler Jesus, blood fountains, and so on, but if you want a typical wedding why don’t you just pick from one of the hundred gross churches around town? Seriously, I’m supposed to kneel on a bench where a hundred old men have kneeled their scabby, eczema legs? No thanks.
Think about the advantages. No shitty DJ playing that goddamn Moondance song that gets played at every wedding. Pictures show you shrouded in fog machine fog, so no worries about runny makeup or a greasy forehead. Death metal guys in thongs mingling with your aunt who’s still single and looking to spice up her life.
And did you know GWAR uses their own blood products so that the spray won’t stain your clothes? That’s a band that cares. Does the priest use “blood” that doesn’t stain? Hardly. He doesn’t give a hot damn whether your clothing is ruined by jesus blood.
The one thing you could be totally sure of is the fact that everyone would remember your wedding. Nobody forgets a wedding where the bride and groom say, I Do, and then are devoured by a giant vagina puppet.
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3. Immediately Following a Funeral
Why not? That’s my question.
Okay, funerals are generally sad, or at the very least bring up mixed emotions and repressed memories and that feeling of, This is my father and I should be sadder, but I’m not, but now I sort of feel bad about not feeling worse.
Let’s put our emotions aside. Emotions are what got us into this wedding business in the first place, and feeling things is hardly going to get us out of this mess. The only thing you can feel your way out of is a sleeping bag because you got in headfirst because you were camping drunk and didn’t know the difference.
Let’s be practical. Does a funeral have:
-Shitload of flowers? Check.
-Shitload of flowers that are in no way enjoyed by the recipient? Check.
-Formal wear? Check
-Attendance of relatives? Check.
-Good excuse to not get in that mess of inviting some coworkers but not all of them? Check.
The similarities are endless.
This would be a great place to make a hacky joke about a wedding being pretty much a funeral anyway. Not happening here, but that gives your best man and all those other awkward weirdos something to talk about in their speeches besides either how great you are for each other or a time in college when you threw up in the dishwasher.
Maybe you’re just not into this one. And maybe you should just get married on horseback. That way you don’t have to get off your high horse.
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4. At the Site of an Unfulfilled Dream
Always wanted to walk out onto a major league baseball field? This is your chance. Use this wedding as leverage to get something you actually want in addition to your spouse, of course. All it takes is a well-crafted letter:
To Whom it May Concern,
I know you must get letters like this all the time, but I hope that you’ll at least take the time to read this.
Ever since I was a boy, I’ve always dreamt of visiting the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Reese’s-brand snack candies have always been my favorites. I stuck with them through good times (Reese’s Pieces) and bad (Reese’s Sticks) and still stayed true.
With my upcoming wedding on the horizon, I was hoping to have Reese’s be there to support me, and what better way than to do it in the factory, surrounded by delicious treats?
I hope you take the time to consider my request. And thank you again.
Best,
Pete
P.S. My father died and his last words were related to Reese’s, if that helps nudge you over the edge.
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5. In a Bank
Sounds boring, right? Just you and your special someone, getting hitched in the bank where you met. She was standing in line and dropped her checkbook. You picked it up and your eyes met. It was love at first time of dropping shit on the floor, something she does all the time and it drives you CRAZY now because all those little things that used to be cute make you insane, but anyway…
The real beauty of this plan? Meanwhile, in the back, your wedding party aka specially-selected group of professional bank robbers, removes a plasma cutter from inside the wedding cake and gets to work on the vault.
Try not to giggle at the part where you say, For richer or poorer.
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6. Anywhere but Church.
Please, I’m begging you here. Nobody wants to go to a church. They’re creepy, and the music all sounds like the Castlevania soundtrack. Some people never go, and even the people who do don’t want to go TWICE in one week.
I’ll give you three words that I guarantee don’t describe the booze in a church: free, available, delicious. Do you want to drink blood of christ when you toast? Not really. I know it sounds cool, but it loses its charm when you go to brush your teeth in the mirror back at the hotel and see Bloody Mary or Candyman or whoever shows up after you drink that stuff.
And stained glass? C’mon, what is this, 1972?
And you know there’s some weirdo who is the groundskeeper there, you know it. He lives out in a corrugated shack and nobody ever goes out there because ever since those kids went missing we’re all afraid of what we’ll encounter. You ever seen a corpse with the head cut off and a Cabbage Patch head shoved in the neck so it looks like a kid body with a fucked-up doll head? Is that how you want to remember one of your top 15 most special days?