1. Bambi is a dude?
2. How did Snow White have an apple in her windpipe for three weeks without dying?
3. Who thought that the Beast turning back into a regular dude was cooler than being a beast? That’s insane.
4. How does the Little Mermaid not notice all these huge penis rocks around her all the time?
5. Did the dad in the Little Mermaid have to be topless?
6. Who had to draw his nipples?
7. Why was the crab in that movie red? Doesn’t that mean he was cooked at some point? Is there a story here?
8. Where does Peter Pan get green tights?
9. Doesn’t anyone notice that Jafar is carrying around a staff with a snake head on it? Who is a trustworthy, good guy with a snake head staff? First clue, right there.
10. When one lion kills another to become king, isn’t that how it’s supposed to work instead of being passed down? So what’s the big fucking deal?
11. Is all the junk in the Beast’s house alive?
12. The shitter?
13. How come every Disney character is poor as shit, but they seem to be able to afford great dental and skin care products?
14. Why didn’t Cinderella just plan on leaving at 10:45 instead of 40 seconds before midnight?
15. Is a glass slipper a possible thing or is it more like a Saw scenario?
16. Do you think all three stepsisters were equally wicked, or do you think one or two were really just along for the ride?
17. Why did the dude in Pocohontas wear an armored chest plate the entire goddamn movie?
18. Why don’t all these broke-ass people get professional singing jobs? They have the chops.
19. If they made a Princess and the Frog ride at Disney World, would it involve riding a broken down streetcar and walking into a busted ass house and just thinking about your life?
20. If Gilbert Godfried were next to me all the time, Gilbert Godfriend the human man, I would murder him in a second. How is it that Jafar, the evilest motherfucker on the planet, didn’t just kill the bird version?
21. Didn’t Captain Hook have a different name before he had a hook? Or were his parents prophets?
22. How does nobody notice that this Gaston character is a rapist?
23. How is it okay for a raccoon to try and fuck a dog?
24. Is it ever really okay to kiss someone who is fast asleep and a stranger?
25. Shouldn’t the only person named “Prince Charming” be the musician Prince when he goes through his next name change?
26. How did those henchmen cop guys get teamed up? Let’s see, we have a bunch of average guys, then one huge thuggish guy and one obese midget. Perfect.
27. Why was Jafar melting his entire life?
28. If toys are alive, then what about decorative statues? Specifically, those Precious Moments statues that are supposed to represent dead babies.
29. How is it that toys that come to life have non-working guns, but somehow the internal organs necessary to create vocalizations?
30. If cars were alive, wouldn’t they be modern slaves?
31. Am I the only one who saw Wall E and felt like this version of the future looked very nice and relaxing?
32. When the queen looks in the mirror and asks about the fairest person, how is she even second place?
33. Why are seven dwarves who work in a diamond mine and live all together not billionaires?
34. Is it really okay to laugh at Dopey, the dwarf who must have had a terrible head injury, probably diamond-mine related?
35. Do you think Grumpy is really grumpy, or is it more of a self-fulfilling prophecy resulting from a child amongst six others vying for some attention?
36. What happened to the dwarves’ parents? Did they abandon the kids in the woods or just kill themselves immediately after spawning these 7 freaks all at once?
37. Can we get one goddamn movie where a hunter is a good guy, or at least not a ruthless killer of moms and best friends?
38. Why are crabs and fish and starfish friends, but sharks are assholes?
39. How are these ornate mustaches and goateess maintained in times hundreds of years before Gillette was even a company?
40. If there’s a bad kid in Toy Story who takes toys apart and reforms them into freaks, is there also a version of him who is making improvements to toys, like putting ripped arms on a Ken doll and stuff like that?
41. Couldn’t that mean bitch just wait until about 5 of the dalmations were full-grown and then just kill those 5?
42. So Kurt Russell was both a computer man AND a strong man? And you feel like we need two separate movies to tell us this?
43. Have you not seen Escape from New York?
44. So as a punishment for drunk driving, they make a guy coach youth hockey and be in close proximity with kids?
45. Jamaicans are so damn fast, why didn’t they just run down the chute instead of using a bobsled?
46. Why do they let a hunchback live in one of the grandest monuments of all time?
47. How are the two main characters in Hercules named Hercules, and far more disappointing, Phil?
48. What’s the plan, Cinderella? Go to one fucking party and then go back to life as a slave until you die?
49. Why does everyone think Dumbo’s ears are so big? Does anyone know how big an elephant ear is supposed to be?
50. In a world of living grasshopper men, how shocking is it when a wooden boy comes to life?
51. Also, is it more amazing that a wooden boy can walk and talk, or that he turns into flesh? Those seem pretty equal to me.
52. Why would you even let a person name their child Maleficient?
53. How does taking a sword out of a stone qualify you to do anything like rule a nation?
54. What would be the modern equivalent of that? Pulling a tire iron out of asphalt? And then you become king?
55. If you were the queen and someone was a little more pretty than you, couldn’t you just walk to her house, cut her face a little, and then be the prettiest?
56. When that lady made that dogskin coat, who was she trying to impress and would a dog skin coat impress any sort of person?
57. How is it that the Little Mermaid is almost topless, but somehow Princess Jasmine seems more like a tramp?
58. Wouldn’t a litter of 101 puppies either be born extremely premature or explode their mother from the inside somewhere during the gestation process?
59. How do two mice end up getting hired to rescue a child who was kidnapped?
60. How humiliating is it for the police force that two mice succeeded where they failed?
61. Couldn’t that Fairy Godmother have transformed a carriage into a nicer carriage instead of using a pumpkin? That way, Cinderella could still get home.
62. How many gay nightclub DJ’s have co-opted the name, “Fairy Godmother?”
63. If Wall-E can fall in love with that slick, sophisticated robot, does that mean it’s okay for me to fuck an iPod?
64. Couldn’t the Beast have just found someone more homely who would be quicker to learn that beauty is on the inside and to love him for his loyalty and tenderness right off?
65. Why is the Beast wearing a cape all the time?
66. If you were transformed into a candlestick, wouldn’t you be a little pissed off at the Beast, the guy whose fault it was, instead of sticking around trying to help him score with chicks?
67. What could possibly be the purpose of a glass coffin?
68. Did that cub scout from UP look like he had Down syndrome, or is it just me?
69. If Peter Pan visits a kid in a wheelchair, can that kid fly, or is he pretty much fucked on that one too?
70. How does a person stay on a flying carpet without it just shooting out from under you, like when a magician pulls the tablecloth off the table and all the shit is still sitting in place?
71. Do you think Timon and Pumba were added in post-production once they realized that they’d made a movie all about family members killing each other that could use some fart jokes?
72. When Pinocchio gets swallowed by that giant whale, why doesn’t he just tell a bunch of lies until his nose grows long enough to puncture its brain and then they can just walk out?
73. Isn’t Tarzan just a bum who doesn’t live near an urban area?
74. In fact, now that I think about it, aren’t Aladdin, Mowgli, the Tramp, and almost all the other dudes from Disney movies nothing but bums?
75. Could you make an alternate Cool Runnings where the Jamaicans win at the end and go back to Jamaica and have a huge party with a digitally-added John Candy?
76. So Dumbo’s ultimate success is that instead of being a circus elephant who goes in a pyramid, he’s a circus elephant who flies around, only to land and be whipped by some asshole in a sequined v-neck suit covered in sparkly shit?
77. Are we supposed to be saddened by Bambi’s mom’s death, or is it more to give us a direct reason why Bambi then pushes another deer off a cliff and kicks a bunch of rocks onto dogs, crushing them to death?
78. How come the dogs in Lady and the Tramp clearly have eyebrows, but if you marker on fake eyebrows to your dog you’re some kind of monster?
79. If you are a guy, but then transformed into a squirrel, but still have the thoughts of a guy, is it beastiality if a real squirrel is interested in you and you accept?
80. Wouldn’t a lady with magic powers who can fly with an umbrella be able to find a much more meaningful career than helping some asshole rich kids finish their chores?
81. How do you consider your top three plans for cat disposal to be drugging them and leaving them in the country, putting them in a sack in the oven, and shipping them live to Timbuktu?
82. Do they not have sacks and rivers where these Aristocats live?