52 Titles, 52 Tweets

So I read this ENTIRE volume.

Let me first review it as an object:

This thing weighs almost eight pounds. That doesn’t sound that heavy, but believe me, it makes reading on the dumper almost impossible. 8 pounds would be a large-ish baby. Imagine taking a baby, cracking it in half, then holding one half in each hand for a half hour. You’d get tired.

It was also so thick, it was unreadable at places because the crease was just so deep. Penis joke/vagina joke.

Okay, so now onto the comics. What I decided to to was Tweet reviews because that would keep them short. Even a mere 100 words on each would be…100…500…many, many words beyond the interest level of any human. So here, reproduced are all 52 Tweets. But before we get to that, I do want to say that the one disappointing thing to me was that this whole thing was about DC relaunching everything from #1. I thought, Finally, I can maybe understand what’s going on in DC. But this isn’t true. They did relaunch SOME books, but the Batman books and Green Lantern books, which were selling alright before the relaunch, were clearly in media res (Latin for, Impenetrable to Peter). That pissed me off just a bit. It doesn’t show a lot of faith in the project of a relaunch to say, Let’s relaunch ALL of our titles…except the few good ones. Also, I feel obligated to point out that the Bat books and GL books account for somewhere around 20% of the universe? Subtract books that take place in alternate time periods or that have no involvement with the larger universe, and it’s a little bit of a pathetic total relaunch.

Okay, enough bitching. Now onto short-form bitching:

I feel like I suddenly know too much about catwoman’s bra preferences

Justice league: a batman/greenlantern teamup feels like a teamup between a ninja version muhammad ali and merlin.

Justice league international: how is the worldwide version always inferior to the america version?

You know what I always hated about aquaman? He let’s everyone give him shit for being a nobody even though HE’S aquaman

Why is wonder woman always taking time off from being a powerful, beautiful amazon to be a…powerful, beautiful amazon of business?

Flash actually seems to be going somewhere with this detective-y angle. Don’t tell batman

At first I thought I wouldn’t care about a hero with inexplicable science powers. I’d like to thank captain atom for confirming this

There’s a white firestorm and a black one? How will they get along? I mean, the being engulfed in flames negates skin color, but still

I’ve yet to understand why Green Arrow gets gigs while Purple Two Handguns is still out of work

Hawkman is so self-involved. Not sure if that’s a hawk thing or a man thing. But it’s definitely an annoying thing

Mister terrific has the words Fair Play tattooed on his arms. Or maybe it’s Play Fair. He might be a lefty.

I don’t know what’s going on with Deadman. Or why he’s dressed like Freddy Mercury without hair, facial or head

Classic cop mistake in Action Comics: quit trying to use electric nets to trap superman. You gave it your best, it don’t work, move on

Clark Kent and Larry David: same glasses

Why does every scientist make a clone and then completely 180 and want to kill it? Maybe wait a day, see what happens

The best thing about supergirl being fiction is we don’t have to hear a million Behar jokes involving thigh comparison on the View

Batman was good. Although relaunched with three robins, one of whom is his son. When I “relaunch” at 41 my son will be in the dust

I guess I thought Detective Comics were about detectives, not FOR them

Single panel in Batwoman: werewolf, plane crash, octopus man choking a bald woman, and an insane lady shooting guns. Uh.

Dark Knight is the second of three Batman titles involving Bruce Wayne giving a speech at a fancy dinner event. What the fuck.

So in Batman and Robin there is a cadre of Batmen? Being dipped in acid? Is it too late to sign on for Batmen International?

How did Batgirl get unparalyzed? “Then a miracle happened.” Phew. For a second I thought we were written into a corner.

Batwing stabbed in the chest? Fine. Not that I dislike AfricaBatman. I just hate the aesthetics of machine guns mounted in a truck bed

Can nightwing stop pining over the circus already? The food sucks and clowns only make balloon animals to trick children into fondles

Red Hood and the Outlaws: awesome band name. Nobody steal that. I stole it first. Hence the outlaw thing.

Green Lantern starts off pretty good. I mean, not really a reboot, but at least killing Ganthet means his ponytail also dies

If Green Lantern Corps poses that Guy Gardner can’t even get a h.s. football coach job, what the hell is going to do with that haircut?

I’m glad GreenLanternNewGuardians has such a long name. It limits my ability to tweeticize it

Am I the lone soul who thinks an all-white Justice League Dark is a missed opportunity to embrace the current blaxploitation revival?

I liked Swamp Thing better when he was an action figure with extending arm powers as opposed to nightmare sequence powers

Animal Man and Jeff Lemire equals about time. And zombie kitties.

Frankenstein, a mummy, a vampire, a werewolf, and a fishwoman walk into a fight. And that’s a comic book you can buy

Before I, Vampire I didn’t see how badly I longed for Kris Kristofferson to explain all the vampire shit in that crusty way of his

Killing Resurrection Man is sort of like building a fort from couch cushions to thwart Couch Fort Pusher-Downer Man

At least Demon Knights had the grossest possessed baby ever

Haha, wait that’s my…oh never mind

Should have been Birds of PrAy. Capture the jesus people that way. Or at least someone.

Red Lanterns: blood cat in space #dc52

Grifter blocking knives with an airline food tray teaches that full meals exist on planes and that the spilled food wouldn’t burn flesh #dc52

How long can Deathstroke go before someone ends an issue by holding up a picture OF him, TO him and says, I need you to kill this man

Suicide Squad is like mission impossible 2: I know it’s stupid, but not so stupid that I’m proud of how much I enjoyed it

Voodoo perpetuates bad stereotypes about strippers. Mainly that they are aliens who felt this was the best way to learn #dc52

The fact that OMAC stands for Office Management Amidst Chaos has blown 78 of my 92 emotions. Not all, but definitely most

Jonah hex is awesome, even if he’s a stars n bars guy

Blackhawks has taught me something: in comics, redheads like guys with glasses. Peterparker/maryjane. Cyclops/jeangray. It goes on

After Men of War I’d like a chart of army ranks with a line across it. Above line, ranks we hate. Below, cigar chomping badasses.

Kid flash is always so irresponsible. Why can’t he ever be fast AND diligent?

Did anyone inform Static Shock that there’s already a black Spider-man type guy? We’ve been calling him Spider-Man.

Blue Beetle’s battle cry of Khaji-Kai sounds a lot like Queen Latifah’s character name from the 90’s hit (in my home) Living Single

If I were in Legion, my power would be getting sick of Legion Lost almost immediately

Ah, shit. Legion not lost is almost as repulsive as Legion Lost

So Hawk & Dove are gods of war, and they are inseparable, and Dove is dating Deadman somehow? But mainly they punch?