Howdy,
As you might already know, I’ve put up a Kickstarter for my next exhaustive review, 50 Shades of Grey.
Now, we’re 3 days away, and it looks like we’re not going to make the goal. Which I have mixed feelings about. On the one hand, thank fuck. On the other hand, seriously, thank fuck.
What? Mixed feelings don’t have to be a good thing and a bad thing.
That said, let’s make a deal. I’ll list 50 reasons that you should donate. Keep a checklist, and donate 50-cents for each one that applies to you.
- Because the Exhaustive Review of Modelland gave you at least 50-cents worth of joy.
- Because the Exhaustive Review of Modelland is available on this site entirely for free.
- Because I just started a new, free project, Amazing Spider Web Cast, which is going to be totally awesome and you’ll love it.
- Because you “bought” one of my ebooks one of the many times it was on sale for free.
- Because you read one of my ebooks and just can’t seem to getting around to reviewing it.
- Because donating to something political is dum.
- Because you got 50-cents of joy out of tweets in the last several years.
- Because Helpful Snowman Radio has always been free and ad-free. Seriously, that’s a huge one.
- Because there’s something called an Inner Goddess in 50 Shades, and I NEED to know about this.
- Because once I can pay back another $10K in student loans, the plan is to work less on work and work more on this kinda stuff.
- Because I sold beloved comics to chip away at that $10K. I’m giving up things I love for something else I love. That’s noble, right?
- Because it doesn’t have to be worth $250 to you personally. You can just donate whatever amount you think it’ll be worth to you, personally.
- The final Exhaustive Review of Modelland was over 51,000 words. That’s longer than a Nanowrimo project. That’s long as hell.
- Because I made a terrible chicken mush in the crock pot, and I’ve been eating it because every bite of that chicken is a bite of restaurant food I don’t have to buy, and it takes me closer to $10k.
- Because I get really nervous when I read about sex and this is probably the worst possible thing that could happen.
- Because I’ll be listening to part of 50 Shades on audio.
- Because I want to make a decision about whether books like 50 Shades are helpful, harmful, or neutral in the world of reading, publishing, and writing.
- Because this: “Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin.”
- And this: “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.”
- Jeez. Jeez!? Jeez.
- Because why in the actual fuck would this book tackle chemistry on any level? “Argon? It rings a distant bell from chemistry class—an element, I think.”
- Because this can’t possibly be true as an upward, powered terminal velocity isn’t a thing on Earth, “The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor.”
- “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.” OR SOMETHING.
- Like Charlie Brown gettin’ a good, deep dicking for the first time: “‘Argh!’ I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.”
- “I must be the color of the communist manifesto.” Safe bet. Because…
26. “I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington.” Romantic.
27. “He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted on the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.” Yes, how the fuck would we solve THAT mystery?
28. “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.” That’s a 50-cent word right there, at the very least.
29. “Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin’s lamp all rolled into one”. Dear god.
30. I’m cheap as hell. I’d estimate a working wage of about $4 an hour on the Modelland project. Not including the reading time, that is.
31. Because I didn’t ask any of you to help me move.
32. Okay, except Poonmaster Flex. If you’re reading this, off the hook for 31.
33. Because I’m quite convinced that 50 Shades is worse than Modelland.
34. Because I’ve put all my Kindle books on free status Monday and Tuesday (all available titles anyway. Modelland isn’t available because it’s available free on my web site, therefore ineligible for free Kindle status).
35. Because me and my brother have an awesome video games project coming by the end of the month that you’ll love.
36. Because I spent the last two weeks sending out a manuscript for the love letters to agents and I could use a win here.
37. Because it’s hard for me to ask to be paid to do this kind of work, and this feels weird and unnatural.
38. Because I do the best comic book and book reviews ever: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7308646.Peter_Derk
39. Because I’m linking you to this great song and you can thank me later: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxvKiQKBxTs
40. Because I might actually make it to 50 here.
41. Because I have a for real, serious novel I’ve been working on that I hope will see the light of day in 2016.
42. Because making things is hard.
43. Because asking for help is even harder.
44. Because there will be photos of me reading 50 Shades in public.
45. Because the booze costs to read this book will easily surpass $250.
46. Because I’ve got some writing essays coming out this year that I think you’ll like.
47. I think you’ll like the essays, but I HOPE they’ll actually help you.
48. Because it’s pretty great to help out a friend who found his thing.
49. Because I’ve had to admit that reading awful books and critiquing them is my thing, and that’s a real blow to the ego.
50. Because I actually fucking made it through this list!
Donate, won’t you?
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/326630071/petes-exhaustive-review-of-the-50-shades-trilogy