Well, you can most certainly imagine my delight when this was placed on my desk by wonderful, wonderful coworkers. I have so much to say about not only the existence of this book, which is a tragedy on the level of Home Depot not having hot dogs. But in order to fully appreciate the creepiness of those who choose to preach via the art of scaring the daylights out of children, let’s take a look at some of these clowns.
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Now, Bubba D. Clown seems fairly normal. Maybe that’s why they led off with him. His bio says, “When I perform for a military audience, I salute the enlisted personnel and then address them as sir. Then I walk right past the officers.” Well, I’m sure that brilliant piece of comic genius just kills. Not since Bill Hicks has a comedian really made us examine who we are while making us laugh all along the way.
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Spatz definitely wins the award for Looks Most Like Actual Self While Clowned Up. Spatz, in her bio, says she is, “…particularly interested in the effects of different types of humor on cognitive processes and memory.” I bet. It probably goes a long way for a clown to learn how to wipe a little kid’s mind before he can explain to his parents that the stab wounds in his chest may LOOK LIKE they were inflicted by a maniacal clwon with a knitting needle, but this nice clown actually saved him from where he was stuck in a sewing basket.
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Well, Jelly Bean, you might just be the one to make me go back on my Absolutely No Clown Sex, Ever policy. If you leave the glasses on, baby.
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Look at this insane motherfucker. Alternate names he considered before he settled on Marko: Bundy, Gacey, Green River Clowner. And could you buy a hand puppet that doesn’t look like it’s been drugged for fuck’s sake?
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Here we have a clown with the audacity to actually pose for pictures with one of his victims. Unbelievable. I swear, every one of these photos is a mugshot with the prisoner number part cut off.
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Nothing like a clown staggering through a doorway with a weapon. Can you imagine that you’re just walking in your backyard when this thing swings the gate open and comes in with his pants at his ankles and what appears to be a feather duster he’s had up his ass? Well, even if you can’t, you’ll always have this wonderful, fanciful picture.
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Great. A clown family. All these guys need is a chainsaw and an old farmhouse to really complete the deal. By the way, check out Valerie (upper-right picture, left side). Her eyes won’t photocopy. That’s just what naturally happened, swear to god. If that’s not a sign of inherent evil, I don’t know what is.
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…and finally, Clownbo. So much to say. I’m not a judge, but if you even hired this man to clown at your party I would instantly nail you on child sexual abuse charges just to save the cops turn-around time. Seriously, is this part of some kind of sting operation where cops are trying to see which parents will hire pedophiles on purpose? I know we aren’t supposed to judge a book by its cover, but when that cover is drenched in blood and souls of children, I say let’s make an exception.
