After reading this totally awesome article about guard bears, I decided it’s time to re-examine my options in terms of guard animals.
Guard Rhinos
Advantage: They are like mountains come to life with horns. I’m not sure that they can be killed.
Disadvantage: If you hire something to guard your stuff, but that something is a completely unstoppable killing machine, how long is it before your stuff becomes his stuff?
Guard Elephants
Advantage: Could probably shoot debilitating but non-lethal sprays from its trunk.
Disadvantage: Elephants may turn on me when they discover that they are protecting, amongst other things, my ivory stockpile.
Guard Possessed Cars
Advantage: Could easily run people down, then pretend to be regular cars, thereby avoiding arrest.
Disadvantage: Thanks to the movie Christine, every two-bit criminal would know that they could stop my guards by simply crushing them into tiny cubes. The End?
Guard Robot Dogs
Advantage: More laser mounts than biological dogs.
Disadvantage: Biological dogs are like $40 bucks. So when one gets shot or poisoned with a steak that has pills in it, you’re just like, “Oh, well.”
Guard Cats
Advantage: Harnessing of already-present natural disdain for life.
Disadvantage: Smell of cat urine, while very unpleasant, probably less a deterrent to thieves than to residents.